Dear Hot Piece,
I’m not sure how to deal with being the DLAF (designated less attractive friend), the better yet still closely related version of a DFF (designated fat friend). I’m pretty insecure honestly. I’ve struggled with my weight off and on for years, but my senior year of high school and freshman year of college I got myself down to a fairly regular size. I’m by no means ugly or an eye sore, but I’m never the stunner in the room. I’ve tried all the Pinterest makeup tricks, wearing dark wash jeans and avoiding crop tops etc…but I’m just never the first choice. It hurts. A lot. Recently I got told at a bar by two different guys that I was a 6 or 7, but that my friend Jessica was the 10 and if she wasn’t available then they would totally be ok taking me home. Wasn’t sure how to take that one. Then I came home for summer thinking I could forget that crap and somehow I’m the sloppy sides no one wants again. All my guy friends from school asked for my best friend’s number when they saw her in my snapchat story or in an Instagram post. She immediately got follow requests from my people but I doubt I’ve gotten one from the guys she knows. As stupid and superficial as that sounds, that bugs the mother loving crap out of me. My best friend is blonde and beautiful, and it’s not that I’m jealous of her features; I like having dark hair and would look horrible blonde. It’s just that for once I want to be the one the cute guys notice first and not get ignored by my own crowd and strangers in favor of my hot friends. I don’t know, maybe I’m giving off subliminal signals of insecurity. I don’t want to mess up my friendships because I can’t deal with not being super hot. My friends are awesome and don’t ever act like bitches or make me feel less than them, which is why I love them so much. Although I know a hot piece such as yourself hasn’t experienced this problem, I’d appreciate some advice on how to deal with it and maybe some suggestions on how to turn the situation around. Or maybe I just need to be told to shut the fuck up.
As sorority girls, we have the pleasure and the misfortune of being around beautiful women, all of the time. “I don’t have ugly friends” rings through the halls, and you feel a certain level of silent pride when you walk into a room and know that everyone notices. Most of the time, it feels good to know that you’re a part of this elite group of beautiful women. Simply put, being pretty is better than not being pretty, and having pretty bridesmaids is a key component to your wedding.
But the thing about being around pretty people all the time, is that your understanding of what pretty means is skewed. Look around you. Not just immediately surrounding you, but all the way around you. There are a lot of average-looking people in the world. And there are a lot of ugly people in the world. And you are not one of them. Being told you’re a 6 or a 7, in “our” world, hurts. But that is literally crazy. You are hurt because someone told you that you’re still prettier than average. You’re upset because you are better-looking than most people, but not enough people. THIS IS NOT AN INSULT. There are actual ugly people out there who have to live their lives knowing that they’re not the first choice, second choice or third choice. Some weed, a box of pizza, and Mario Kart comes before they do. That is not you.
That’s not to say, however, that being at that 6-7 level doesn’t come with its own types of insecurities. I have pretty much always struggled with being pretty, but not the prettiest, and it took me a really long time to accept it. It’s such a pompous, elitist, obnoxious thing to say, but it was hard for me to come to terms with, nonetheless. It sucks to be jealous of your friends. It sucks to feel like you’re pretty enough to be considered, but not pretty enough to be chosen. And no matter what Dove commercials and Elite Daily are saying, not everyone is beautiful. You know, on the outside. And at some point, you have to just accept who you are. People are going to be more beautiful than you are. You can fight it, and wish it, and dream about it all you want, but at the end of the day, your face is your face, and eventually, you’ll just need to accept it, and make self-deprecating jokes when someone prettier than you is mentioned.
With regard to male attention, though, self-acceptance doesn’t do shit. You still want boys to be into you, and I get that. If this were Cosmo, I’d tell you beauty is on the inside, and confidence is the only thing that matters, and anyone who doesn’t fall head over heels for you when your hair is dirty and you’re wearing sweatpants is beneath you. But this isn’t Cosmo, and I’m not a liar. Instead, I’ll let you in on a useful little secret.
Having a beautiful face is not the only thing guys care about.
It’s not even the main thing guys care about. You don’t have to be hot, you just have to seem hot. If you want the truth, being a 6 or 7 in the face is all it takes. If you want more attention from guys at the bar, it’s really simple. You need to work hard, get an Instagram Babe of the Day body, and show it off. That’s it. They care about a banging body in a slutty dress. That’s what gets their attention when booze is in their brain, and babes are on their mind. No one in the history of ever has talked about having wet dreams about Kate Middleton, even though she’s painfully beautiful. Everyone, however, is counting down the days until Kylie Jenner turns 18. It’s not about the product. It’s about the packaging. Say it with me: body con. Show off your boobs, or your legs, or whatever you like best, do your hair, and wear a full face of makeup, and guys will notice you. I know this is controversial advice, but I think it’s the advice you want. You are hot enough to be hot. You just have to work for it. (Look at Khloé now, for fuck’s sake.)
However, it’s important to remind you that the kind of attention you’re seeking is a certain type of attention. You want Instagram followers, and to be told you’re a ten. This will get you that. It will not, however, get you into a meaningful relationship with a guy who cares about you in the way you eventually want to be cared about. That’s up to you, and you alone..