I’m not sure how to put this in a lady-like way so here it goes, my boyfriend won’t go down on me. See, we’ve been dating for a year and a half now and at first it wasn’t even relevant. One day it came up in conversation when he asked me if it bothers me that he’s never gone down on me. Here’s the thing, no guy had ever done it to me so I guess I didnt see it as an issue. He admitted he has never gone down on a girl which is why he hasn’t for me and that he honestly is just nervous he’ll do it wrong?
Now it’s been well over a year and he still claims he just has a mental block yet he’s had many drunken opportunities to get over this. It’s gotten to the point that I feel, when he eventually will try to go down, I’ll just start laughing at how god damn long it’s actually taken him to do it.
I definitely don’t want to come off as a ‘omg my boyfriend is a sneaky bitch that won’t go down on me’ but the more time passes, the more I can’t stop thinking about the fact that he still hasn’t. I guess I just need your advice on what to do and how to not be a nervous little bitch when it actually comes down to it.
I probably give too many bj’s
Dear Blow Job Queen,
I know you didn’t technically sign off that way, but the best nicknames are usually given to us by other people, so here we are. First and foremost, upon reading your email, my heart sunk into my stomach. I heard glass shatter across the Earth. Widows. Orphans. A motherless child. Wait, what?
What I’m trying to say is this is that what you’ve just said is ludicrous to me, and I can’t believe we’re living in a world where a peach such as yourself is giving but not receiving oral sex. The wage gap, catcalling, be damned — this is the patriarchy at work. Let it be known that you are, dare I say it, entitled to have the sex life you want to have. (Get off my back, people. I’m not telling her to force anyone to do anything. I’m just saying no one should be unhappy with their sex life.)
Sex in a monogamous relationship is about making two people feel happy and sexually satisfied. It’s not letting a guy have his way, make absolutely no compromise, and deciding that his orgasm is enough for the both of you. I have a suspicion that blow jobs are not your favorite thing on the menu, but you suck it up (no pun intended) and get down to business sometimes. And was it scary the first time you did it? Sure. So you’re doing the right thing by understanding he’s scared. But sometimes we need to do things that scare us, because they’re a normal part of life and feel really, really good for our partners.
Unfortunately, I think you’re going to need to tell him, straight up that you’re not okay with this arrangement. It’s okay to bring it up when drunk, sober, in the heat of the moment, over text, however you feel comfortable, but you need to bring it up. And you need to make it clear exactly how upset you are, because you have damn good reason to be upset. You’ve been living a completely unbalanced sex life for a year and a half, and someone who loves you should not want that for you. Remind him that you love him and won’t “judge” him for not knowing what he’s doing, because don’t even know what you like yet! You want to learn that together (and it will be a learning process and take a few times to figure it out). This is a partnership, and it’s time you both start treating it like one. But that’s not going to happen until you really talk about it.
If he tells you he has “a mental block” again, you need to ask if he ever intends to get over that. Sometimes things are scary until you just do them. You’re young. It’s normal to have never experienced something, but just because you’ve never done it before doesn’t mean you should never do it in the future. There was a time before you ever rode a roller coaster, and then someone convinced you to do it, and it was awesome. You were scared to go to college, join your sorority, start at a new job — but fear is not a reason not to do something. It may come to you needing to make a decision: if living your life without something that is — for many women — the only way to achieve orgasm, is something you’re comfortable with. And it may be. You may decide that you love him enough to sacrifice this, and that’s your choice, albeit one I will never understand.
But be informed. This isn’t “normal,” so don’t think that just because a guy hasn’t done it for you in the past that it means that’s what you should expect. Most relationships include this act. Personally, almost all of my sexual experiences have included it. It’s been part of foreplay, like, basically every single time I’ve had sex, and a standalone act on a semi-regular basis. And while that isn’t necessarily the standard either, I’ve never had a guy refuse to do it, because most guys just view it as a part of life and a part of sex. You give head to get head, ya know?
Or, maybe just stop blowing him until he starts doing it. An equally worthy effort. May the oral be ever in your favor..
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