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Little Hunting Is Actually Exactly Like “The Hunger Games”

Little Hunting Hunger Games

Ladies, the time has come for you to select one beautiful, young woman to become part your family in the 2014 Little Games. One victor will be chosen and fought over by the districts. If your district prevails, you’ll have a new family member to cherish. If your district fails, however, you will perish, and your family will be banished to District 13. Locate your district and utilize your skills and wits to secure a growing family and a lifelong sister.

Let the 2014 Little Games commence!

THE DISTRICTS:

The Capitol
The girls from The Capitol are exec members, or an “exec” family. And exec families are the families that just so happen to always be executive board members. It isn’t suspicious at all that your big, grandbig, and litte all happen to be vice presidents of something. They not only take over the chapter, but they most likely hold positions on the Panhellenic board and student government. The Capitol families run shit, and they look for littles who will also run shit. And, considering the fact that they’re probably related to the new member chair, they get first pick of the littles, so, like, don’t even try.

District 1: Luxury Items
The District 1 girls don’t hesitate to buy their littles. They give them Lilly things like they grow Pulitzer out of their (bleached) assholes and have no qualms about giving their weeklong buddy an Alex and Ani bracelet that just seems “so her.” You know how they say money can’t buy you love? Well, they obviously weren’t talking about sorority girls, because when it comes down to it, money can not only buy you love, but also a little. Thanks for the lie, Paul McCartney.

District 2: Weapons
District 2 is actually full of THE baddest bitches you will ever meet. They take little hunting to a whole different level. They aren’t afraid to swoop in and snatch a girl you’ve been working on for weeks. They will use any and all weapons at their disposal. Hot male friends? Yeah, they take their potentials to their hot guy parties. Underage girls? District 2 makes sure that their liquor cabinets are always full. No time to study for that chem test? Don’t worry, District 2 has the answers for you. If you decide to compete with a District 2 family, be ready. If you fail, and you most likely will, you are bound for District 13. And no one wants to be in District 13.

District 3: Technology
District 3 is full of the social media professionals. They have all the filters, all the statuses, and all the followers that not only make their lives seem awesome to strangers, but also to potential new family members. Girls want in with these sisters, because not only will they get a shit ton of Instagram followers, but maybe, just maybe, their soon-to-be big can teach them how to have the illusion of a perfect life and free-flowing mermaid hair, garnering them more than 100 likes. Every. Single. Time.

District 4: Using The Outdoors
The District 4 girls are the very outdoorsy, adventure types. They take their buddies on hikes, surfing trips, and paddle boarding, and they document the whole experience for every other sister to see. I’m still cursing myself for not knowing how to balance on a board object. They also go OUTSIDE to fields in the hot, sticky sun and take pictures and talk about Earth and shit. You really just need to give these hippy-wannabe girls up, because when it comes down to it, you’d rather be relaxing in the sun than exercising in it (shudder).

District 5: Power And Electricity
This district is home to the constant partiers. They are ALWAYS down to go out, no matter how many responsibilities tell them not to. They frequent dubstep festivals and are good friends with molly–and that’s not code for anything. I mean, they take ecstasy. They are easily the biggest partiers in the chapter and somehow they always manage to make it out, even after a day drinking episode. The second you see a picture of a D5 out at a bar–or worse, a music festival–with a potential little, it’s all over. They have now bonded over house music and a mutual love of flower- and rhinestone-encrusted bras. Give it up and go find a little who enjoys staying in and wearing a food-stained t-shirt, just like yourself.

District 6: Transportation
District 6 is full of very sneaky women. They are the girls who are always willing to give new members a ride. Need to get to class? A District 6 can take you. Drank too much and afraid to drive? No worries, a D6 is on her way. They use their driving time by learning about the girl’s favorite music, her family, and what she likes to eat, because, of course, on the way home they’ll totally stop and grab a snack. Her treat. Don’t underestimate a District 6 sister. Her methods may seem elementary, but when it comes down to it, a sister who picks you up at a bar with a bag of hot French fries can go a long, long way in The Games.

District 7: Lumber And Paper
These ladies. These fucking ladies. These Martha Stewart ladies can make magic out of a canvas and their own blood. When it comes to beautiful crafts, they have a sixth sense. If a girl you want is also being chased by one of these assholes, avoid the shame and just give her a Starbucks gift card, because your chevron piece of crap won’t win her over next to District 7’s inspirational work of art.

District 8: Textiles and Fabrics
District 8s are Stepford girls. They are always impeccably dressed and put together. They would never dream of leaving the house in yoga pants, and contouring is an actual, everyday thing. They seek the most beautiful of the new members to become their Stepford babies. If you can’t afford to get your body manicured biweekly and couldn’t imagine going on a hungover run to Olive Garden in last night’s makeup, then steer clear of District 8 and leave the “face” girls for them.

District 9: Grain And Bread
These are the sisters who don’t have much to offer. They don’t exactly have special hobbies, and they aren’t super involved. They tend to ask their potential littles out on dates and always pick up the tab. When it comes to gifts, they’re all about the basket of favorite foods and Panera Bread gift cards. Don’t let these District 9 families intimidate you. They may seem charitable, but when it comes down to it, not only do they have nothing else to offer, but all they want is to fatten their littles up, because, like, nothing is worse than having a little who is hotter than you. Seriously.

District 10: Animals And Charity
Sure, sure, we say we’re all about philanthropy, but in all honesty, most of us are more interested in looking good and flirting with the guys who are required to come (pun intended) to philanthropies than the actual charity event–except for District 10. These bitches go OUT OF THEIR WAY to, like, help others. They not only actually complete their required community service (let’s be real, most of us lie about it) but they seek additional opportunities to help out the community. In their spare time, they volunteer at hospitals, animal shelters, or by feeding homeless jungle cats at a rehabilitation center, or something like that. They tend to suck other “do-gooders” into their family so they can all clean whales together. They only want good, kindhearted, selfless people, which cuts most of us out. So, as your one charitable act of the year, leave the sweethearts uncorrupted and give them to the D10s.

District 11: Agriculture
District 11 is known for its “green” girls. Similar to the District 4 ladies, these girls are all about that “hippy” lifestyle. But, while the other district worships Mother Earth by exploring her body, these ladies just light her up. They secure their littles by constantly pumping Mary Jane into their bloodstream, all at the low, low cost of forever being a part of their family. Sneaky stoner sisters.

District 12: Mining
District 12 is full of “real sisters.” These are some of the nicest, most relatable girls you will ever meet in your entire life–therefore, you can’t help but hate them. They somehow dig deep down into potential littles’ souls and make an instant connection. If you’re in competition with a D12, don’t take your eyes off of your prize for even a second. The first chance a D12 gets to have a heart-to-heart with your girl, you’ll be instantly out of luck. No one can compete with the warm-hearted laugh and secret sharing of an emotionally supportive District 12. Bitches.

District 13: Nuclear (Non-Existing)
Some would say District 13 doesn’t exist, let alone go to this school. Others say it self-imploded and really has no chance in society. A D13 can be a number of different things. Her little may have dropped. Maybe she didn’t connect with a girl. Or maybe she’s one of those chicks who barely exists in the chapter (meaning she doesn’t give a shit about her little). They are the dead branch, the broken limb in the family tree, the reason you have no desire to go back for initiation once you graduate. District 13 girls most likely started out in another sector but relocated when one of the stronger victors won in the little battle. Don’t fear the D13s and don’t pity them. Just try really hard not to become one. Because in the end, victors don’t come from District 13.

Happy Little Games, ladies. May the odds be ever in your favor.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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