Lies the Liberal Media Told Me

If you’re a part of the English-speaking, TV-watching world, then you’ve undoubtedly been victim to some of the liberal propaganda…also known as blatant lies that are portrayed throughout the media. Here are some of my favorites.

Lie # 1. Attractive people are hiding behind your local fast food counters.

Turn on your TV and wait for a Taco Hell commercial. Is that Ryan Reynolds serving up 5 layer burritos with a smile? False. If these “restaurants” were flourishing with such dashing employees, I might not feel so guilty about them somehow always working themselves into my Monday morning, hazy weekend, highlight reel.

Truth: McDonald’s employees in real life? Immigrants with dirty facial hair.

Lie # 2. “Every kiss begins with K”

No, it usually begins with one too many strong drinks and a few misspent dollars in the juke-box. These cute first kisses in movies/commercials are making my very single stomach churn with hatred. (Straight) men can barely be bothered with talking to you sober, let alone make a public announcement of their undying affection for you.

Truth: The first kiss is usually one of the worst, tasting of cheep beer, and too much tongue. Gross guys, calm it down.

Lie # 3. Self tanner will give you a “healthy summer glow”

Bullshit. Lather up, wait 4-7 hours and your skin will be just as orange as the plastic bottle it came packaged in.

Truth: Jergens or nothing girls.

Lie # 4. Men will chase after you in some romantic act of apology after a fight.

Nope, they will head to the bar and sit on their ass, tell all their friends how terrible of a person you are, then call you at 3:00am mumbling some sort of foreign language in which the F bomb is an abundant commodity.

Truth: Guys will spend more time placing blame than taking it.

Lie # 5. Girls wake up with a perfectly made up faces and loosely curled hair, wearing some slinky negligee.

Sorry guys, that morning wood is probably of no use. We really wake up in our fave VS sweatpants with a clean face, puffy eyes, and hair that resembles a lion’s mane.

Truth: That’s why we don’t stay the night following a shack attack. Nobody appreciates natural beauty the way a (good) boyfriend does.

Lie # 6. Two people “meant” to be together will end up together.

Even if one shard of me believed in that nonsense, let’s just face it, if everyone ended up marrying their high school sweethearts then Teen Mom would be even more ridiculously explosive than it is now.

Truth: The best time to fall in love (if there ever really is one) is after college when it’s necessary. Loverboy is now financially stable, and has hopefully bonged his last beer.

Lie # 7. There is a musical number for that tragedy.

If there is one thing that I pray never happens in my life, it is that my mom and brother break out in song every time my heart gets trampled on. I haven’t wasted enough time watching Glee to specifically drag this out; it’s just not for me. When I’m upset the last thing I want is someone dancing around like B. Spears with a huge fake smile on their face. Anyone who breaks out into song in general just makes my skin crawl. So sorry.

Truth: Start singing in my face next time we hit a milestone and we will no longer be friends.

Lie # 8. Womens sporting events are fun to watch.

The best thing about ESPN (besides boys in baseball pants and the hockey fight replays) was the lack of women…then they had to go and get all new age with ESPNW. C’mon. I’m all for women’s equality and that fun stuff, but I really would rather go out to dinner with a GDI in an Affliction shirt than watch ONE WNBA game.

Truth:In real life (and male sports) even if the game blows, the players are hot, and loaded, so let’s just stick to that.

Lie # 9. Baked goods are easy and effortless to decorate.

I don’t know about you, but for me decorating an entire pan of cupcakes takes one bottle of wine, 1 test batch, and an extreme amount of time. Rachel Ray is out of her mind to convince these naive women that dinner and desert can be made in under an hour.

Truth: After I bake the kitchen is a mess, the dog has eaten more cake batter than anyone, and I have frosting stuck in my hair.

Lie # 10. In every mistake there lies some magical life lesson.

Sorry ladies, I won’t say your one night stands are going to add up to much in the long run. I will however say that 99 percent of the guys you interact with are meaningless in your life. The only lesson they are they to teach you is to guard your heart along with your dignity at all costs.

Truth: Every man you encounter will however help you realize what you do, or more realistically, do not like in a significant other.

SO sorry to have burst your bubbles. (Lie #11).

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