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Ladies, You’re Off The Hook: A Machine Can Now Give Blow Jobs

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There’s been a lot of recent chatter on our sites about sex. Team TFM thinks boys should never have to go down on girls, Team TSM thinks girls should never have to go down on boys, and Team PGP thinks sex is gross and people should avoid it at all costs (though we think that last column was a joke–or, at least, we hope so). While readers and Internet trolls alike have let us know just what sexist, superficial, egotistical, misogynistic, selfish, ungiving, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day people we are, we’ve been giving it to one another–a piece of our mind, that is–over here at headquarters, too. We were an office so divided that last Thursday and Friday, the boys hung out in the conference room and the girls took over the break room. Save for a few “hey, go fuck yourself” GChats, we didn’t speak. The boys thought we were being high strung, neurotic, and “crazy” (Of course, right?) and we thought they were being dicks, per usual.

The office tension by Friday afternoon was unbearable, and it ultimately required the interception of a boss into the situation. We were told to cut the shit, move on, agree to disagree. So, an office full of tax paying adults had to sit around a conference room table and come to the very mature agreement that while (almost) everyone likes to receive oral sex, not everyone likes to give it. The whole oral sex argument was dropped, over, done–for two whole days.

Then, this morning, a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed young intern walked into work with a bomb: “Hey, guys! Happy Monday! Guess what? They have this new sex toy that is pretty much a robot blow job. Pretty crazy, huh?”

The office came to a standstill. Eyes darted. Breathing tensed. For a moment, it seemed like pure pandemonium would erupt. Blow jobs. The taboo topic that we had sworn off a mere two days prior was now thrust upon us (pun intended) yet again, and there was no escape. We needed to talk about it. Had to talk about it. Robot blow jobs? I mean, come on–that’s Internet gold. Immediately, however, it became clear that much like the topic of giving and receiving oral sex, this whole mechanical slip and slurp was yet another subject matter that was left better undiscussed. The boys, in all of their infinite “no machinery near my junk!” wisdom said it was the weirdest thing they had ever heard of (which is bullshit, because one of them was talking about tentacle porn the other day) and the girls were all like, “Praise Jesus/Mary/Moses/Allah/Buddha/WHATEVER, this is the greatest thing to happen to us since…ever.”

So, we’re at an office standstill again. The boys do not understand the benefit of a mechanical toy. This is funny, because the ladies of the office could rattle off about a hundred benefits of toys with batteries–you know, with the greatest being an orgasm. The toy, known as the Autoblow 2, retails for $150 on Amazon, but for customers who preorder, the price will drop to $129. Honestly, this is my personal favorite invention since the female equivalent of this bad boy. (Or bad girl? I don’t know.) I plan to secretly purchase one of these puppies, drop to the foot of the bed, and test out just how true to life it really is. If the gentleman caller can’t tell the difference, it will be the best $129 I ever spent. Ladies, let’s hope this is a wiener. I mean winner. Sorry, too many dick jokes on the brain. Over and out.

[via Beta Beat]

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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