Kate Middleton is Pregnant

The Royal Palace has officially confirmed the six-week-long rumor that Princess Kate Middleton (and the rest of the world) is expecting. The couple achieved pregnancy in the missionary position, and Kate kept her dress on because she is boring classy. (Okay, I made that up, but it’s probably true.) Everyone is absolutely delighted about the pregnancy, particularly the Queen, whom Kate has been afraid to face without child for some time now. I hear she’s a bully. The entire Royal Family is making sure to take good care of Kate, who was recently diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum, meaning she’s puking a lot. Supposedly it’s “extreme,” but it just sounds like morning sickness to me. Either way, she’s been admitted to King Edward VII Hospital in Central London and will be staying there to rest for a period of time after treatment.

The couple is moving from their four-bedroom home, which would be much too small for three people, to a 20-room apartment at Kensington Palace just in time for the arrival of their new baby, and heir to the throne. Due to a recent rule change, the child will succeed its father regardless of gender, proving that “Girl Power” in England is not just limited to the Spice Girls. Kate and William are already tossing around names, and have decided they want something traditional like Edward, Phillip or Michael for a boy, and Alice or Rose for a girl. Way to toss us a curveball, you two. You get more exciting by the minute. We can now expect to hear about this every day for the next nine months, and I’m hoping for some sort of televised event when the baby is born, or at least a picture of Kate looking ugly in the hospital. A girl can dream.

While it may seem like Kate just keeps getting everything, keep the following in mind: we all saw her tits and her nips looked a bit brown, she had to wait until she was 30 for her life to have meaning, and everyone knows that her little sister, Pippa, has a better personality.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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