The Billboard Music Awards were last night. Yeah, I don’t really give a crap either. The only music awards worth watching, aside from the Grammys (and even those pretty much blow), are the ones where celebrities have the best chance of being shamefully drunk or getting assaulted backstage, which is why the perfect storm that is the BET Music Awards show is must see TV for yours truly. It’s most fun if you watch them and make your predictions like you’re playing the game Clue.
Chris Brown, in the green room, with a broken bottle of Rozay!
Still, what the Billboard Music Awards lacked in grandeur, importance, or even relevance, let alone drunkenness and first degree assault, it did make up for in Justin Bieber making a total asshole out of himself…again.
Biebs received the fan voted, vaguely titled “Milestone Award” for “musical ingenuity and innovation.” I’m not really sure what that means. I guess he hit a previously unreached milestone in ingenuity? Was it for how many times he could use and rhyme the word “baby” over the course of his career? That sort of makes sense, but as Justin Bieber clearly demonstrates, ingenuity isn’t always impressive. Awarding Bieber’s music for its ingenuity is like celebrating the ingenuity of a 9-year-old for beating a can of Spaghetti-Os open with a butter knife because he couldn’t figure out how to use the can opener.
Bieber beat out America’s Succubus Taylor Swift and actual talented person Bruno Mars for the award. When he accepted it, he did so with about as much graciousness as you would expect from a kid who once publicly hoped child Holocaust victim Anne Frank would have been a fan of his.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t be an asshole if I had become inconceivably famous at age 15, because I’d probably be a monster, and have way worse herpes than whatever’s flaring up inside of Bieber’s sagging leather pants on any given night. Regardless, this kid is so lacking in self-awareness that it’s truly spectacular to watch. That might be the milestone he actually reached. He’s rocking an all leather outfit and wearing sunglasses indoors at night, yet that’s possibly the least douchey thing about him in the video. Between Bieber’s surprise at getting booed and his demand to be taken seriously as an artist, I almost feel like this new award was created by Bieber’s people just to try and finally make the kid feel like he’s something other than a handsome, dancing and singing, Canadian, money puppet. If you think Justin Bieber’s people don’t have the ability to convince Billboard to create an award that their client is certain of winning, it was an internet vote after all, then you underestimate the power of Bieber, and his crew’s desperate willingness to appease the little shit head at any cost.
I wonder how upset Bieber was after the show? I bet it wasn’t easy for his crew to calm him down.
(*Bieber’s backstage, destroying his dressing room to the best of his ability. Several pillows are askew.*)
Bieber: (cries) That crowd was fulla haters!
(*Picks up a chair, weakly throws it across the room, nothing breaks*)
Bodyguard: Ey, Jay, haters gonna hate. You know that. Calm down.
Bieber: But Ima artist! How people gonna hate on crazy fly art!?! My art IS tight? Idn’t it?
Crew Member 1: Jay you a once in a lifetime gift from God. Straight up divine ‘n fine. Yo art be like straight up Bible words gettin’ painted by Picaso on the wall of the flyest club. Sexy troof.
Bieber: (cries) But why erry’body gotta be hatin’ on MY art? My moms said I was the Leo DaVinci of fly tunes but ain’t nobody up in LD’s grave hatin’ on the Mona Lisa and that bitch was fugly as fuck! And he didn’t have ANY tight beats and was old as fuck and probably couldn’t do no sick dance moves with his long ass Dumbledore beard. I hate erry’body! Ain’t nobody deserve me!
(*Bieber violently slaps a couch cushion*)
Crew Member 2: Jay you right dawg. Nobody do deserve you. Erry night I go to sleep I get these crazy dreams where you fly inta my room ‘n start singin’ wiff yo angel voice and you so strong and brave lookin’ an’ I’m just like wishin’ I could hold onto you ‘cuz I just see safeness in yo eyes an’ I’m crazy scared of how perfect you be but I know I can’t ‘cuz I know you too special for dis Earf an’ sometimes I wake up and think, like, maybe I should just like, straight up choke you til you dead and give you back to God ‘cuz Heaven ain’t Heaven wiffout it’s tightest angel.
Bodyguard: Ey man! I told you I ain’t gonna let you near Jay if you keep havin’ sex dreams about him that make you wanna kill him and shit!
Crew Member 2: How Ima look at dat face and hear dat voice and not have it sexily haunt my dreams!?! I’m tryna be strong fo Jay but I’m scared!
Bieber: Nah it’s cool. I appreciate it dawg. I know it ain’t just anybody that can be givin’ scary sex dreams.
Crew Member 2: (earnest) Just you Jay. Just you.
Crew Member 1: Ey Jay, I got you somethin’ to cheer you up.
Bieber: Ain’t nothin’ gonna cheer me up ’til people start respectin’ my art!
(*Bieber takes a handful of Peanut M&Ms from a bowl, throws them at them at the mirror. Still, nothing breaks.*)
Crew Member 1: Yo that’s why I brought up this fan. She says you greatest artist that ever lived, yo. Jay I’d like you to meet this special 14-year-old girl, her name is Cindy Donaldson.
(*Cindy walks in. Breaks down into tears. Screams. Pees her pants excessively, and faints*)
Bieber: See! That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! Mozart ain’t make no honeys pee they pants! I knew I was an artist!
Bodyguard: Yo the tightest artist that ever lived, Jay.
Bieber: Thanks ya’ll. Will somebody help me dress outta my leather tunic and inta my chinchilla snuggie? Ima take a nap, provin’ I’m an artist made me hella tired.
Crew Member 2: It’d be my honor to undress you, Jay.
Justin Bieber, serious artist.
h/t to @briediculouz