This past Friday, while on his European tour, Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. This, in itself, wouldn’t be newsworthy. I, like most people who aren’t lonely teenage girls aching to be deflowered by the most famous eunuch in world history, don’t really give a crap where Justin Bieber is at any given moment, and his location would only truly rouse my interest if it happened to be in the direct path of a well-deserved fist flying towards him at face level.
So why is Justin Bieber visiting the Anne Frank House worthy of so much attention, exactly? Shouldn’t the press be a little more interested in what I assume was the sudden and conspicuous spike in the death of male Dutch prostitutes upon the Bieb’s arrival in Amsterdam?
(*Justin Bieber sits in the corner of his suite, curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth and crying. On the bed is the naked, lifeless body of a young male Dutch prostitute named Marnix.
Suddenly, Bieber’s bodyguard bursts in to discover the scene.*)
Bodyguard: Aw DAMN Jay! Again!?!
Bieber: (crying) I didn’t want to! I ain’t like him like that!
Bodyguard: Jay, dawg. What happened man?
Bieber: (crying) We was just kickin’ it, I thought we was boys! Then I was like “Hey how crazy funny would it be if we had a pillow fight?” He said that sounded fly and we was just hitting each other with these mad soft pillows and he hit my shirt off because his muscles were all strong and tight and I laughed crazy hard cuz I was like “Aw damn there goes my shirt, yo.” And I was crackin’ UP! Like so hard that I fell into his arms and he caught me cuz, like, I thought we’s just friends that catch each other when we fallin’ ‘n shit. (*gets worked up*) But then when he caught me in his hella strong arms I looked at him in the eyes, just to you know, let him know that we was boys and…and… (*starts crying harder*) THEN HE STARTED KISSIN’ ON ME AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE I WAS HELLA CONFUSED AND THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!
Bodyguard: He started kissin’ on you, Jay?
(*Bieber nods emphatically through tears*)
Bodyguard: Jay you know I got yo back, but you sure he started kissin’ on you?
Bieber: I…I…(*begins to weep*) I DON’T KNOW! Maybe not…
Bodyguard: Yeah that’s what I thought Jay.
Bieber: He’s okay, right? He just sleepin’? Right?
Bodyguard: Yo, Jay, we been through before. You know he ain’t just sleepin’.
(*Bieber begins to weep again*)
Bieber: I’M SORRY MARNIX! You my boy fo-eva! You can go to my special section of VIP heaven that God made fo me that my mom and fans and friends all told me about. (*turns to Bodyguard, sniffles*) Do you think Marnix would…would think it was dope if I sang to him before y’all throw him in the river?
Bodyguard: Yeah Jay, I think he’d like that. You so talented and special dawg. He was lucky to spend his final moments with you.
Bieber: (*sniffles again*) Thanks, you always got my back. (*Starts singing “One Time” to the male Dutch prostitute’s lifeless body.*)
Bodyguard: (*into his radio*) Get the bone saw, we got a code 9 up in “The Prince’s” room.
Radio: Damn, again!?!
That ridiculous aside, aside, the reason Justin Bieber visiting the Anne Frank House is worth noting is because somehow the little shit found a way to make a young Jewish girl’s death in the Holocaust all about himself. I present to you Exhibit 9752198279907 in the ever-mounting case to prove that Justin Bieber is a clueless, self-involved piece of human garbage so oblivious to anything in this world not directly involving him that he essentially has the worldview, and presumably the temperament, of an infant.
Justin Bieber hopes that Anne Frank would have been a fan of his music, specifically, a “belieber.” It’s truly impressive how deeply Justin Bieber has burrowed himself inside his own ass. I suppose it isn’t totally bad that Bieber wrote this, because at least his presence at the Anne Frank House, however obnoxious it may have been, sheds light on Anne Frank and the Holocaust to what I assume are millions of kids who are completely ignorant about both, and history in general, because they’re too busy floating around the pop star’s social media accounts, showering him with praise, just like Marnix, except their praise is figurative, and Marnix’s praise was a fancy European body soap named “Praisé.”
Of course it’s hard to blame these kids for being more interested in Justin Bieber than history. Well, the Canadian ones anyway. Learning about Canadian history has to be like learning about how paper is made. Both are really boring processes that ultimately result in something plain and white that can’t win a war by itself.
Speaking of Canadian history, the greatest irony of all in Justin Bieber’s asinine hope that Anne Frank would have been a Belieber, or at least listened to his music, is that the poor girl might have had a better chance of living to one day hear Bieber’s recycled, auto tuned melodies if it weren’t for the military ineffectiveness of Justin Bieber’s ancestors. It is well documented that Justin Bieber is a Canadian, which makes his unfathomable fame all the more inexplicable. During World War II, specifically from 1944-1945, the 1st Canadian Army was responsible for liberating most of the Netherlands, where Anne Frank was of course in hiding. Anne Frank was arrested on August 4th, 1944 and soon after deported to Auschwitz.
Maybe if the Canadian army wasn’t so fucking useless the Frank family would have made it long enough to see liberation. God knows Patton would have blitzed through the Netherlands in like a week. And don’t bother bringing up Market Garden. That disaster was thanks to the ineptitude of British command, plus it happened after Frank was arrested. Regardless, add this to the list of things for which we can blame Canada.
Despite how offensively stupid this whole thing is, I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to watch Justin Bieber discover new things. I assume watching him try to learn is a hilarious process, and one that involves a lot of relating back to him, because that’s the only way he can truly understand something. The guestbook signature seems like pretty decent evidence of that.
(*Justin Bieber and his Crew walk into the Anne Frank House*)
Bieber: Aight, so where’s this shorty Anne Frank? Imma take some pics with her, right? You said she dyin’? She got cancer ‘n shit? I’ll tell you one thing. This house is musty as shit. Anne Frank’s crib be DAMN RANK!
Crew Member 1: Ohhhhh Justin’s got jokes today!
Bieber: Ha ha ha you know I just be playin’. You can’t be helpin’ how yo crib smells when you gots cancer.
Crew Member 2: Yo Jay that’s crazy understanding of you.
Crew Member 1: You have a pure soul, dawg.
Bieber: Yo I keep my soul like the ocean, deep and restless, playa.
Crew Member 2: Your beauty is painful. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of your face and your infinite wisdom.
(*Bieber shrugs, he’s heard it before. A woman, the Anne Frank House Tour Guide walks up to greet them*)
Tour Guide: Gentleman, welcome to the Anne Frank House! It’s such a pleasure to have you here.
Bieber: Ey, it’s like a crazy stupid honor to be here with such a brave girl. Where is this shorty?
Tour Guide: Excuse me?
Crew Member 1: BITCH JUSTIN BIEBER DON’T REPEAT HIMSELF! RE-HEAR THAT SHIT ON YO OWN!
Tour Guide: I…uh…I’m sorry, Anne Frank isn’t here. Anne Frank died.
Crew Member 2: And she knew Jay was comin to see her? That’s mad rude of her. Justin Bieber ain’t got time to just be havin’ bitches die when he’s tryna take a pic with ‘em.
Bieber: I’m not tryin’ to disrespect but that is kinda selfish of that shorty. Like, you don’t see me up ‘n dyin’ when I’m ‘sposed to be places. I’m here, ya feel?
Tour Guide: I’m not really sure what you gentleman think is going on here, but Anne Frank has been dead for nearly 70 years. This house, where she hid during the Holocaust, was memorialized in her honor.
Bieber: Hold up hold up hold up. You tellin’ me she been dead of cancer for 70 years?
Tour Guide: What? No, she was killed in the Holocaust.
Bieber: The what?
Tour Guide: You’ve never heard of the Holocaust? Seriously?
Crew Member 2: STEP OFF BITCH! IF JAY AIN’T HEARD OF IT THEN IT DON’T EXIST!
Bieber: Nah nah it’s cool. You gots to know that you don’t like, know all the shit that’s out there. I mean, if you don’t wanna be ignorant then you can’t be ignorant, ya feel?
Crew Member 1: You are truly Christ-like in your wisdom and understanding.
(*Bieber shrugs, he’s heard it before*)
Bieber: (laughs) I ain’t gonna lie though. When you said Holocaust I thought you said “hella cost” and that that shorty was hidin’ out cuz she was all like “hell no errything’s TOO damn expensive out ‘dere!” Ha HA!
Crew Member 2: Ohhh Justin’s got mad jokes today! Jay you really brightenin’ this sad ass house up with your humor and your smile and the way your presence just makes me feel warm and full inside. If it weren’t for you I’d be crazy bummed up in here where this bitch had cancer hella cost her her life, yo.
Tour Guide: For the last time she didn’t die of cancer, she died tragically in the Holocaust, one of the most horrific genocides in history. You people are offensively stupid.
Bieber: (to the Tour Guide) Aight so if this shorty’s dead, like old dead ‘n shit, then she’s prolly a ghost, right?
Tour Guide: I doubt it.
Bieber: Can I talk to this shorty’s ghost?
Tour Guide: She’s not a ghost, she’s not here. She’s up in heaven.
Crew Member 1: BITCH IF JAY SAY SHE A GHOST THEN SHE GHOST I WILL CUT YO ASS IF YOU DISRESPECT MY BOY AGAIN! HE A SWAG SAINT WITH AN EINSTEIN BRAIN ‘N SHIT!
Bieber: (*shouting towards the ceiling*) Ghost of this crazy sad shorty Anne Frank! This is Justin Bieber! Yeah, I know, you’re welcome. But hey, it’s an honor to be here for me too. I only met like twelve ghosts in my life, and you top three bravest fo sho. Errbody I talk to has mad respect fo you, and I’m like, hella impressed, because you prolly had some straight up SWAGGA to live a crazy respected life in a crusty ass house like this, ya know?
Crew Member 2: Ahhhh Jay gives props like a muhfuckah! If Jay say you got swag then you one swaggy ghost!
Bieber: Anyway, Anne Frank, I know you busy bein’ dead ‘n shit, but I just wanna let you know that I got mad respect fo you too.
Crew Member 1: (solemnly) Mad respect. Fo sho.
Bieber: I just wanna say that I know since you a ghost shorty you prolly jammin’ out to all my tracks up in heaven, but I just hope that if you was still alive, you’d be a Belieber too. Respect fo life. I’ll see you in up in heaven shorty. VIP in the sky. Fo life. Repsect. Props. Swag.
Crew Member 2: Yo Jay, that’s mad empathetic of you bro. You got crazy sensitive feelin’s but you still strong like a man with abs that haunt my dreams like this shorty haunts this house.
Crew Member 1: Jay, I know all angels gots wings, but you just made this angel shorty fly.
Bieber: Mad props y’all. I couldn’t’ta done it without you. I’m feelin’ crazy enriched by this experience.
Tour Guide: All of you get out. Now. Never return here.
(*Bieber shrugs and leaves. Outside the house his Bodyguards greet him.*)
Bodyguard: Yo Jay, how was it?
Bieber: Same old. Kinda borin’. Pretty chill I guess. Ey, who’s that over there?
(*Justin points to a handsome young Dutch man. Curious, he approaches him.*)
Bieber (CONT’D): (*shoots a coy smile*) Ey sup playboy. You like X-Box and hangin’ out with yo boys ‘n shit?
Dutch Man: Yes that is very fun to do lots!
Bieber: How ‘bout we chill back in my suite. What’s yo name?
Dutch Man: My name is Marnix! It is pleasure to meet you!
Bieber: Respect. For realz.
Yup, that’s exactly how it happened. Fuck you Justin Bieber. Fuck you so hard.