As the weather gets warmer and sundress season arrives, “ring by spring” is real. Now that the Christmas engagements are over, weddings are coming. This means the threat of being #foreveralone lurks in the distance. I’ve always assumed that some time in the next decade or two, someone would put a ring on me and I’d pop out a nugget. After all, I’m a great babysitter, my little is fabulous, and I enjoy pinning pictures of babies.
In spite of my sometimes creepy love of tiny adults, after my big visited with her baby, I had to reevaluate my life and choices. Devoting my weekend to another type of gentleman caller entirely was a real eye-opener. While you might be stressed about finals, formals, and frenemies, as long as you don’t pop out a baby pre-graduation, you’re golden. Here are five lessons my big’s baby taught me.
1. I am not prepared for adulthood.
Toddlers except a fully stocked home, not a ratchet, off campus apartment. The only item I’m guaranteed to have at any given moment is vodka. When I offered to help (drink wine and make sure he didn’t drown) with a bubble bath, I assumed I had something to create bubbles. I accidentally put in “Sensual Amber” body wash. He spent the weekend smelling like a prostitute.
2. Babies are not your little, which means you can’t corrupt them.
When my big’s baby started pulling my hair, I told him, “Stop, I only let big boys do that.” That is probably not an appropriate thing to tell a toddler. If you ever curse, they will spend the next 24 hours repeating it. Loudly. You never know how much you sound like a sailor until a small child comes into your life.
3. You can’t do you.
You know how you love going on never-ending Netflix binges and that time you managed to watch all of “Scandal” in a week? While that may make you feel like a failure, it’s actually amazing. Once you have a child, if you even think about watching anything other than “The Croods,” there will be tears–first from the toddler, and then from you.
4. Babies are tiny, drunk adults.
For a moment, I thought my big’s baby was sleeping. In reality, he had crawled on top of my bathroom counter and was laughing maniacally while applying makeup. He caused a small flood worthy of an ark and covered every available surface with toothpaste. Sure, you might make a mess, but at least it’s your own.
5. It’s like living with a fraternity boy–permanently.
Babies are basically demon spawn in adorable packaging. Do not let their pinchable cheeks and big eyes fool you. Having a baby in your midst is like being the assistant to a tiny celebrity whose demands must be met. It’s like monitoring your drunk not-boyfriend when he goes rogue, and realizing you have absolutely no control over him–I was told, “DON’T LOOK ME IN THE EYES!” at least a dozen times. There was garbage tossed at me while I drove, he tried to drink my cocktail when he thought I wasn’t looking, and there is urine on my carpet.
I can barely keep flowers alive, and people I know are getting ready to have babies on purpose. While you might feel left out when candle passings become a weekly occurrence, the reality is that being able to do you, 24/7, instead of being responsible for a human life, is everything. You may rely on Netflix now, but one day someone is going to rely on you. The next time you’re stressed out about graduation, life, and yet another engagement on the horizon, remember that once you’re chasing a child around, you’re going to miss being entirely independent.