Jury Duty Sounds Like a Lowkey Banger


“Delt is having a darty tomorrow to celebrate Brian’s fourth blackout this week, you in?”
“Can’t, I have jury duty tomorrow.”

I turned 18 two years ago, and I have been waiting for the glorious day that I get picked for jury duty. I want to be able to wave that summons in the air and throw a Breakfast Club style fist in the air in triumph.

For anyone who doesn’t know, jury selection happens in two parts. The first is essentially random selection. The state or federal district will pull names from a list of registered voters in and you will be mailed a notice of your selection. The second part is the judge and lawyers of the case will narrow down the pool of juries to 12 official jurors through a Q&A sesh.

And goddammit, I wanna be a part of that select group.

“But why would you want to do something so mind-numbingly boring when you could be blacked out and dancing on the bar?”

Think about it though: you get to sit in an air conditioned room, you get to judge people all day, and your lunch is paid for. I don’t know about you all, but that sounds like the best way to spend some idle Tuesday. If one of your favorite pastimes isn’t judging the LARPers in the park, smirking at the Pokemon trainers running into walls, or silently shaming the frat guy that came to class twenty minutes late still drunk from last night’s “Workout Bros and Yoga Hoes” mixer, than you’re either a liar or a saint (and let’s be honest, anyone who frequents this site is far from an angel).

It is human nature to judge people, it’s an inherent activity that we cannot control. Society has developed this invisible social construct where the levels of hierarchy differ from region to region. If you don’t have the ass of a Kardashian, the personality of Amy Schumer or McDreamy (RIP), or the face of Jon Hamm, then you’re pretty much fucked. Because we as a society have developed this standard everyone should live by, and if you don’t, you’re judged for it.

Even if you won’t readily admit to it, you do it too. Your mom probably judges you for your side bangs in the 7th grade just about as much as you judge your sorority sister for hooking up with that 4 from the bar. It’s an unintentional stress reliever that is impossible not to do.

So why wouldn’t you want to take the opportunity to sit in a room for a few hours and do something that you do anyway? You’re essentially given a free pass from all responsibilities for a few days. You don’t have to go to the job that you probably would have called off from anyway, you don’t have to go to the class that you skip 6 out of the 5 days of the week, and best of all, free food.

All I’m saying is, if you’re a closeted judgmental prick (like the rest of us), jury duty is the way to go.

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Chandler Bing is my spirit animal and my life achievements are about as watered-down as this Natty in my hand.

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