Judging Guys’ Personalities Based Off Of Their Pants

Guys You'll Bang

Do clothes really make the man? All rise for the honorable (and gorgeous) Judge. Court is in session.

Case 1: Chinos

The defendant is a bit of a mama’s boy, but that just means he knows how to treat women. He’s well dressed and well read. He takes his work seriously and has ambitions. The defendant is accused of being a tryhard, but the jury seems to sympathize with his work ethic.

Verdict: Boyfriend Material

Case 2: Basketball Shorts

The defendant is always in sports mode, whether he is athletic or not. He’s super laid back in his day to day life, but he’s CRAZY about his team. He is fun to be around and is really loyal. Like a golden retriever.

Verdict: Friendzone

Case 3: Gray Sweatpants

The defendant does not give a single shit. He’s hot and he knows it. Not only that, he’s packing some serious heat to be confident enough to rock gray sweatpants. They are the most revealing type of pants for men. He’ll jackhammer you all night long and then brag the next day about how hard he fucks.

Verdict: Asshole

Case 4: Chubbies

The defendant has the biggest personality of any guy you know. He’s super funny and has no shame. He’s the drunkest guy at the party, but also the one every girl is trying to talk to. His wit and charm is mesmerizing, but he’s never serious enough to actually date somebody.

Verdict: Friends With Bennies

Case 5: Cargos

The defendant is “so nice” and “a really sweet guy.” He tries to fit in, but he stashes his nerdiness in his pockets on the side of his pants. You can’t help but look down on him. He probably has a huge, hopeless crush on you that you will never reciprocate, but you can’t stop basking in the attention for long enough to feel bad about it.

Verdict: Dweeb

Case 6: Dark Jeans

The defendant has a pretty basic sense of style. He’s just your regular average joe. He skims by on his natural abilities without really stepping out of his comfort zone. He’s a good guy, but there’s just nothing special about him.

Verdict: Average

Case 7: Any Other Types Of Jeans

Stay away from the defendant. Not only does he have no sense of style, but he has no sense of humankind. Whether it’s faded, ripped, light wash, or god forbid bedazzled, his choice of pants is a giant warning sign. Nothing good comes from talking to a guy in Wranglers.

Verdict: Total Creep

Case 8: Joggers

The defendant is incredibly smooth. He knows just what to say and just what to do to make you melt. He will give you the night of your life and then never text you again. He’ll have a new girl before the next weekend and he’ll be pulling the same moves that he pulled on you. You will never love and hate someone so much at the same time.

Verdict: Fuckboy

Case 9: Pajama Pants

The defendant has complete given up. He has no hope for the future. If he does have a job, it’s not one that is done in the daytime (i.e. bartender). Good luck trying to get him to do anything except smoke weed and play video games.

Verdict: Loser

Case 10: No Pants


Verdict: Insanity

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to or by smoke signal.

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