It’s Official: Sex With Trees Is Better Than Sex With Humans

Woman has sex with tree

Sex is a weird thing. First, you have to find someone who’s interested. Then you have to make eye contact, not smell, be funny, act seductive, and somehow get a “P” in a “V” (or whatever letters you’re putting in whatever letters, I don’t judge). Basically, it’s a fucking science, and as we all know, science is hard.

But then Emma McCabe came along and threw science, biology, physics, anatomy, and basic common sense out the window, and found a new “person” to have sex with. His name is Tim, and he’s a tree.

And you thought you’d hit a sexual slump?

Basically, Emma got her heart broken multiple times. She was sad, lonely, and sexless until one day, she saw this tree and fell head-over-trunk in love. Emma talks to Tim a lot, and hangs out with him quite a few times a week. As for the sex? She describes it as a-m-a-z-i-n-g. In an article published by, Emma says that,

He fulfills my emotional and sexual needs. I orgasm by rubbing against the bark naked. I love the feeling of skin-on-bark contact, which gives me a more pleasurable pain sensation, and the feel of his leaves against my skin makes me tingle. I have sex with him every week — it’s the best I’ve ever had!

The best sex she’s ever had. With a tree. Now, I can’t quite figure out what this means. Was she having horrible sex, or is tree sex the new “Fifty Shades of Grey?” Personally, it sounds painful and infection-inducting to me. But, in her defense, being involved with a tree means that she always knows where he is, he doesn’t fight back, and as for blow jobs? LOL never again.

But it isn’t just sex. Emma is in love. She went on to say that she wants to have a private ceremony and marry Tim the tree. And until then, she will continue to be loyal to her main man-tree. She practices the look but don’t touch rule, as she “would never cheat on Tim.” Cheat, as in rub her body against other trees. Naturally, this whole thing has taken to Twitter, and the reactions are everything you dreamed of.

So ladies, hope isn’t lost yet. You don’t have to be #foreveralone. You can someday be married to a tree. Because the world wasn’t quite weird enough yet. But hey, at least she won’t have to worry about him texting her back, and besides, I hear he’s packing some massive wood.


Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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