Sex is a weird thing. First, you have to find someone who’s interested. Then you have to make eye contact, not smell, be funny, act seductive, and somehow get a “P” in a “V” (or whatever letters you’re putting in whatever letters, I don’t judge). Basically, it’s a fucking science, and as we all know, science is hard.
But then Emma McCabe came along and threw science, biology, physics, anatomy, and basic common sense out the window, and found a new “person” to have sex with. His name is Tim, and he’s a tree.
And you thought you’d hit a sexual slump?
Basically, Emma got her heart broken multiple times. She was sad, lonely, and sexless until one day, she saw this tree and fell head-over-trunk in love. Emma talks to Tim a lot, and hangs out with him quite a few times a week. As for the sex? She describes it as a-m-a-z-i-n-g. In an article published by 360nobs.com, Emma says that,
He fulfills my emotional and sexual needs. I orgasm by rubbing against the bark naked. I love the feeling of skin-on-bark contact, which gives me a more pleasurable pain sensation, and the feel of his leaves against my skin makes me tingle. I have sex with him every week — it’s the best I’ve ever had!
The best sex she’s ever had. With a tree. Now, I can’t quite figure out what this means. Was she having horrible sex, or is tree sex the new “Fifty Shades of Grey?” Personally, it sounds painful and infection-inducting to me. But, in her defense, being involved with a tree means that she always knows where he is, he doesn’t fight back, and as for blow jobs? LOL never again.
But it isn’t just sex. Emma is in love. She went on to say that she wants to have a private ceremony and marry Tim the tree. And until then, she will continue to be loyal to her main man-tree. She practices the look but don’t touch rule, as she “would never cheat on Tim.” Cheat, as in rub her body against other trees. Naturally, this whole thing has taken to Twitter, and the reactions are everything you dreamed of.
You must have to hit a real low spot in your life to have sex with a tree damn pic.twitter.com/u5ScsHmXFn
— Evønne (@EvonneEichhorn) March 21, 2015
A women is in a committed relationship with a tree and has regular sex with it and I still can’t get a boyfriend pls define unwanted
— angel emoji (@lolzdonz) March 22, 2015
This girl having sex with a tree and I can’t even get a text back pic.twitter.com/HxF5tm9f47
— tφm. (@tarxget) March 21, 2015
Question #2: How do people not see her outside having sex with a tree??
— küthy (@godlyputhy) March 20, 2015
Just read about a woman who has sex with a tree every week, there’s a wood joke in there somewhere
— Katie & the Queue (@IamKatieQ) March 20, 2015
How have I just seen that a woman is having a sex with a tree, imagine the splinters
— Vickie Caines (@vickiecaines) March 20, 2015
Image via Shutterstock