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Interview Tips From The Unemployed

Interview Tips From The Unemployed

It’s that time! Spring is (finally) here, the days are getting longer, and seniors are crying as we scramble to find a postgrad career that allows us to continue our lifestyle of sleeping until noon, drinking until 3 a.m. and watching Netflix in between. (Whatever, we can dream.)

It dawns on us that the “jobs” we once had are no longer an option as we face loan payments, parents cutting us off, and saying goodbye to the “college is a full-time job” excuse. I’d like to take a moment out of one of the last twenty-ish days of my undergrad “career” to share some advice with you on how to (and not to) conduct yourself during an interview. With these foolproof tips, I can promise* that you will land that shiny job with the coveted 401(k).

(Also, if these help you land a job, make sure to refer me, as I am still unemployed. Thanks in advance.)

  1. Unless you’re applying for a job at a strip club, that low cut shirt is not okay.
  2. Even if it is for a strip club, apply to a classy strip club. And wear a nice shirt. Then take it off, I guess.
  3. Flats = flat personality.
  4. Heels above three inches scream that you’re high as a kite for wearing heels above three inches.
  5. Your septum piercing and tattoos say that you’re a loose cannon living on the edge. It also says that you’re a loose cannon living on unemployment. Cover those up.
  6. They want you to tell them about your professional self, not the self who’s dating your trainer and has a cat named Larry who you “love sooooo much.”
  7. When they ask about your weaknesses, they don’t want you to tell them that you can’t stop watching “House of Cards,” eating hummus, or that you have zero upper body strength.
  8. If you look sexy when you walk into the interview, you’re doing it wrong.
  9. Posture akin to the “Hunchback of You Need More Confidence” will not land you the job. Or a date. Or friends, for that matter.
  10. Mak shore ur resumay doesnt hav typohs.
  11. I know most of us have chronic bitch face, but like, work on that.
  12. Also, don’t say “like.” Like, ever.
  13. Your interests include reading the news and bettering yourself, not “Sex and the City” and stalking ex-boyfriends.
  14. Ask if you can take notes. Then take notes. Or doodle. It makes them feel important.
  15. Pretend you’re on a first date and trying to impress whoever interviews you–just without the pre-date glass(es) of wine and the post-date dry humping.
  16. Seriously, don’t dry hump your interviewer.
  17. Or any type of humping. It’s pathetic. And it doesn’t work. I’ve seen “Mad Men.”
  18. Being “Social Media Savvy” is all the rage now. But knowing how to use social media also means knowing how to hide things. Clean it up, ladies. Employers aren’t impressed by your body shots.
  19. Or the pictures of you drunkenly peeing on the side of a frat house.
  20. They WILL find those pictures. To you freshmen: don’t post them. Trust the seniors who’ve made that mistake.
  21. You wear skirts to an interview and pants once you are hired. Be mindful of the skirt. A vag-flash will not get you hired.
  22. I know that you are super interesting and you deserve to talk about yourself forever, but try to make your point in 60 seconds.
  23. Also, answering the questions the interviewer asks helps.
  24. I think wearing pantyhose gives you extra points. I really don’t know if it’s worth it, though.
  25. Remember when your parents made you write thank you notes for EVERY. SINGLE. THING? Well, now it’s your time to shine, Miss Hallmark.
  26. I do mean an actual, handwritten, stamped thank you note in ADDITION to an email. I know. The struggle.
  27. Spell check your email. Proof-read it. And make it short. Size does matter.
  28. So, like, um, don’t say “um,” or “uh.” It makes you seem, like, dumb. Oh, and totally don’t, like, end the sentence with, “uh…so, yeah…”
  29. TakeASecondToBreathBeforeYouStartTalkingBecauseIt’sOkayToSlowDownYourSpeechSoEverythingDoesn’tRunTogether.
  30. Put your stalking skills to good use and research the company and interviewer before heading in.
  31. Social media stalking, that is. Standing outside someone’s bedroom window most likely won’t get you the job.
  32. Finally, keep breathing, keep searching, and keep applying. Eventually you’ll land that perfect job. If not, I’m sure you’ll land the perfect man. While majoring in communications, hospitalities, or public relations, I hope you also got your MRS degree, too. I’m pretty sure hot, rich, nice men exist somewhere–but I think they’re in Europe.

*I cannot actually promise this works. In conclusion, I am the worst.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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