Inside The Head Of A Senior Watching Kids On College Tours


Everyone remembers the time they first set foot on their college campus. For most, it was in their junior or senior year of high school. Mom and dad loaded up the loser cruiser and took you on a road trip to see all the schools you were interested in. You got your standard issue goodie bag, marking you as a precious little perspective cherub, and went on the tour. Little did you know that bitch seniors like me were judging the living hell outta you. Almost every single day this semester, I’ve encountered a tour group blocking my path across the quad. Here’s what I’m thinking as I watch you soak it all in for the first time.

  • Oh shit, there’s another one.
  • Fuck, where are my sunglasses. I can’t allow these plebeians to make eye contact with me.
  • Phew, that’s better. Now I just need to aggressively frown so they know I’m too cool to smile.
  • How does the tour guide walk backward in heels? This just defies the laws of physics.
  • They all look so…fresh.
  • Can they tell I hate them?
  • Just kidding, I envy them. These fuckers get four whole years of heaven, and I’m only months away from being sent to the real world.
  • Oooh that one’s kinda hot.
  • Ugh, he’s probably like seventeen.
  • I’d still hit it though.
  • Wait, is that gross? What is wrong with me?
  • Whatever, no shame. If he’s in college it’s totally fine. Right?
  • *Smiles at cute 17-year-old*
  • He totally loves me.
  • They all look so young. Did I look that young?
  • Do I still look that young?
  • They better not think I’m a freshman, so help me God.
  • Literally what is that one wearing?
  • Hollister? Lol.
  • I remember what I was wearing on my tour. Sandals, short blue shorts, and a white button down.
  • *Looks down at current XL t-shirt, Norts, and Birkenstocks*.
  • Yeah, I definitely looked like a prospective little shit.
  • This kid, walking ten feet in front of his parents. Ha, you’re not fooling anyone man, we know they’re with you.
  • Is that guy wearing a tie??
  • Do less, please.
  • That girl definitely just peeped my letters…hmmm.
  • Her nails are 100 percent fake. And I’m not too sure about the wash of those jeans.
  • But still, she’s got them Kendras. Bid.
  • Ugh I miss when Kendras were just a Texas thing, so I could identify my own kind.
  • Ew. That one did not just wink at me.
  • SIR you are wearing a hoodie, you do not get to wink at me.
  • I have to tweet about this.
  • *Composes three different tweets about how gross prospective students are*
  • Why are all of their parents looking at me like that?
  • Is there puke in my hair?
  • No, that was last week.
  • Yeah, parents, one day your daughter will absolutely walk past a tour group with puke in her hair, mark my words.

Lucky little fuckers.

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PlattyBlonde is a senior who divides her time responsibly between cheap alcohol, bad boys, and worrying about her hair.

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