I identify as a lot of things. A sister. A daughter. A gay man (on the inside). A social media addict. A penis enthusiast. And a Kardashian apologist. I know people hate the family that rules the world. And in some ways, I even understand why. What I see as glamour, they see as fake. What I see as genius business savvy in a ruthless and unparalleled effort to become some of the most famous women in their industry, they see as a bunch of women who are famous for a sex tape. What I see as THE most influential people in fields that are interesting to me, like beauty, social media, and fashion, they see as vapid and useless.
I couldn’t disagree with the haters more, but I understand their narrow-minded views. I understand what they see. I just think they’re wrong about it. I even understand that my love — borderline obsession, actually — with the Kardashians is off-putting to people, particularly the beer-guzzling, sports-loving, old spice-wearing people I want to date. So, when I meet someone who is willing to tolerate the fact that I pray to Kris Jenner, my vagina becomes a venus flytrap — they accidentally enter, and I clamp down and do not let the fuck go of that shit.
But when they give me an inch, I try to take a mile. I don’t know why I do it — why I set myself up for heartbreak, but without fail, I try to engage with the naysayers in conversations I know they can’t handle. I once perfectly and undisputedly ranked the Kardashians and it’s foolish to think that when I try to bring a casual observer up to the big leagues that they can even pretend to play the game. But I’m going to be honest, you guys, I wasn’t prepared for what happened to me last night.
My heart sunk into my chest, and kept sinking all the way down to my ovaries. How could this be? How could someone I’d invested, like, two hundred hours in — four of them, sober — prefer Kendall fucking Jenner to ALL of the other Kardashians? She’s so boring. She never makes headlines. She’s whiny, and lives in the jealous shadows of her YOUNGER sister. She’s never said anything funny or interesting in her life. She has no personality at all. And I think, what hurts the most, is that sometimes…she denounces her family name. How could this be happening? Why was this happening? Why? Why?! WHY?!
And then…I got my answer.
It took a minute for me to process the response, and frankly, I’m still shook. But slowly, what started as shock, shifted to disappointment, and then anger.
First and foremost, everyone who so much as makes out with me needs to get one thing fucking straight: nobody is hot but me. I don’t care that Kendall Jenner is a physically flawless goddess who makes millions of dollars a year off of her beauty, and I more closely resemble a potato than I do her and her gaggle of supermodel BFFs. As far as you’re concerned, I’m the only pretty person in the entire world from this moment forward.
Secondly, and more importantly, they’re all hot. That’s what their brand is all about. Beauty. Fashion. Sex appeal. When picking your favorite, you’ve got to take it to the next level. Who’s got it all? Who’s a beauty queen, goddess among women, but doesn’t cry over losing her $70,000 earring in the ocean? Who’s got an ass that doesn’t quit, but also remains open and honest about her vagina that doesn’t quit, so she’s got to #CoverThatCamel? Who ruthlessly makes fun of Kim about being a diva, but doesn’t eat placenta? There’s only one right answer when someone asks who your favorite Kardashian is:
It’s Khloé. It’s always been Khloé. She’s gorgeous. She’s funny. And she’s genuine. And for people who claim to hate how “fake” the family is, real has got to recognize real. She’s great with the kids. She’s the favorite sister of all her sisters, and she genuinely cares the most about her family. Without her as the glue, the whole family crumbles.
And so, what becomes of my budding romance with the Kendall-lover? Do I fight this until I prove Koko the victor and rightful leader of both the Kardashian family and our hearts? Do I cite irreconcilable differences and with a heavy heart, move on? Or do I shake my tits, and try to live with the fact that I’ve shared a bed with someone who was so wrong on so many levels. Please send words of encouragement. Our lord, Kris Jenner, knows I need it. Bible..
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