It seems that every time I write a column addressing girls who Instagram their small rings way too often, Disney princess-themed engagements, and Valentine’s Day proposals, I get hit with one major criticism over and over again: that I’m apparently a bitter old hag who’s apparently going to die alone in my misery and hatred of everyone enjoying their lives. What kind of psycho isn’t happy for other girls when they get engaged, even if they do so in a Cinderella costume? And seriously, shouldn’t I just be grateful that my boyfriend got me any present at all, even if it is from Bath & Body Works? Honestly, the fact that I’m not jumping up and down in joy for you every time you ask me to purchase yet another $300 accessory for your wedding makes me a horrible, miserable person, and I should probably just get hit by a train so I stop spreading my negativity throughout the Internet and infecting the happy minds of joyous couples everywhere.
Maybe, however, there’s another perspective to consider here. Sure, there’s always the option that I’m just a soul-sucking demon with no affinity for joy or happiness. Or maybe, just maybe, my bitterness has a cause. And maybe the cause is that you’re just annoying as fuck.
I know, I know, it seems to you that I’m just lashing back out at you through my bitterness, but take a second to hear me out. You see, even though I hate your engagement doesn’t mean I hate all of them. In fact, I’ve been overjoyed at the engagements of some of my dearest friends and have been more than happy to drop a grand on wedding-related expenses, even while I was still single as fuck. You see, the difference between those friends and you is that these are people I respect because of their behavior in real life and online. They have the ability to talk about things other than how great their relationship is, and they’re not Instagramming their “manicure” as yet another excuse to show off their ring on social media. No, these people are real and genuine, but unfortunately, you are not.
I hate to be a bitch (ok, I love it, but that’s beside the point), but it has to be said. The reason people hate you isn’t because they’re jealous of you so you have “haters” like TSwift, but that you’ve given them cause to talk about you behind your back because you suck that much. I’m sorry (ok, I’m not sorry either), but it’s true. When it’s clear that the primary purpose of your engagement isn’t to spend the rest of your life with the man you love but to rack up likes on Instagram and change your entire social media strategy to advertise your new relationship status that you so obviously think makes you better than everyone else who hasn’t yet “achieved” this “milestone,” you’ve given up your right to not be talked about by all of your former friends.
Am I going to change? Absolutely not. I have done nothing wrong. I will continue to screenshot your birthday posts for your friends that feature you in your wedding gown four years after your wedding just so you can remind everyone that you have a husband.I will make fun of your half-carat ring that you’ve posted on four different social media sites seven different times in two months. Sure, I’m rude. But my rudeness has a cause, and it’s that you had the audacity to only register at Williams-Sonoma when you and your fiancé are still finishing undergraduate degrees in English literature.
So let’s make a deal. You stop being annoying on social media, and I will redirect my hatred back to Shonda Rimes for killing every fictional character I’ve ever loved (I still miss you, Derek). I mean it. No more of these “best boyfriend ever” posts because he bought you carnations after he fucked up, no more captions with a guy you’re trying to trap into marriage with the “this guy” caption, and I’ll have no other reason to put you in my group text. I love you, so please, cut out all of this annoying shit so I can add you back into the group chat and we can make fun of everyone else together, ok? I may be on the dark side and I may be known as a bitch, but at least I know that no matter how hard I judge, I’ll never be laughed at behind my back for showing off a Valentine’s Day present from Tiffany..