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I’m Convinced That My Hookup Has Three Personalities And It’s Kinda Ruining My Life

I’m Convinced That My Hookup Has Three Personalities And It’s Kinda Ruining My Life

What started out as the familiar story we all know and love (boy and girl meet, boy slides into girl’s DMs, girl ignores boy for months and then finally gets horny enough to sleep with him) has gone rogue and turned my sex life into a living hell. I’ll spare the gory details, but this boy is truly exhausting. I never know which version of him I’ll end up with any given night. When we’re on, we’re on and life is wonderful. I get my fill of attention and compliments, he gets laid, everybody’s happy. But when the wrong personality is around the night takes a turn for the worse and instead of the kinds of groans and moans we all know and love, he will legitimately grunt in frustration at the very sight of me. Fortunately, I have played this game enough times so I know within seconds of seeing him whether or not I’m getting laid that night, but it’s still like playing a game of Russian Roulette and there are three equally annoying possibilities:

1. A decently normal human being
Exists solely during daylight, weekday hours. Most commonly found on campus. Says hello and makes casual conversation if the opportunity presents itself, but does not go out of his way to interact or impress me. Can also be spotted driving me home the morning after.

2. A sensitive, unfiltered, dare I say tender, affectionate creature
Only comes out at night. A finicky species, but once captured will most definitely be getting laid. It seems to take a certain amount of alcohol and time for him to make an appearance. If not enough time has passed since our last encounter, he isn’t horny enough to care. But given the right environment this particular strain will talk to me about marriage, babies, ex-girlfriends, family members, future hopes and dreams, anything I could ever want to know and I don’t even have to pry or Facebook stalk. Gives me all the compliments in the world, plays with my hair, kisses my forehead, spoons me, and reference us being a couple.

3. A drunken ass
Again, only comes out at night and must be alcohol induced. Enjoys tackling trees, asks for threesomes with me and my mom, and communicates using solely the names of Native American tribes. Has been known to roll his eyes and groan upon seeing me. Loves to tell me to “go away.”

All I ask for is consistency. If you want to sleep with me, great. if you don’t want to see me ever again, fine. I am confident in my ability to make small talk, soak up attention, and deal with drunk assholes; however, trying to guess which version I’ll have to deal with has truly become a chore. All I want out of this shit show of a relationship is the occasional drunken sleepover and a simple hello should we ever cross paths sober.

People ask me why I am wasting my time. They assume it’s because he’s incredibly good-looking or has the dick of God and knows exactly how to use it but the truth is, he’s altogether underwhelming. He currently has a beard and is attempting to grow out his hair which looks rather awful, yet somehow he looks just as bad clean shaven. He’s the type of guy I want to have sex with but only if he’s behind me so that I can think about someone else. So I don’t really know why I’m here, except maybe in a desperate attempt to make the nice version the “main” version. I always did like a challenge. Maybe someday soon I’ll wise up and find a tall, cute boy who wants to have sex with me on a semi-regular basis with minimal attachment issues, but until that lucky son-of-a-bitch comes along I’ll keep stringing myself along in hopes getting a night with personality number two.

Image via Shutterstock

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madifree

Madi is a spray tan aficionado who started drinking La Croix before it was cool. She takes way too much pride in her finsta and will definitely tell you if that dress makes you look fat. Her spirit animal is Barbie and when she's not writing for TSM you can find her struggling through classes at her quaint liberal arts college while secretly wishing she was pursuing an MRS degree at a big state school.

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