I’m Already On My Teacher’s Shit List And It’s Only The First Week

I’m Already On My Teacher’s Shit List And It’s Only The First Week

Fuuuuck. I should not have stopped for Starbucks. Hopefully this teacher is chill. It is only the first day after all.

Unfortunately Dr. Slapdick wasn’t too chill. I walked through the door sporting a Greek-meets-homeless-meets-girly outfit with a $4.50 iced chai latte in my perfectly manicured hand.

“Hello. Nice of you to join us Miss…?”


“Miss Stritz. Class began seven minutes ago. I do not accept tardiness. I’ll let this one slide, as it is the first day. Please take a seat.”

“Oh, sorry. Starbucks took forever. It won’t happen again.”

“Might I suggest you don’t get Starbucks if it is going to interfere with your schooling?”

Might I suggest pulling that stick out of your ass.

I chose a seat in the back where nobody was sitting on either side of me and pulled out my MacBook.

“Miss Stritz. Do you see anyone else with a laptop out? We are a more active class and you will not need your laptop. Please put it away. All you need is a pen and paper.”

Nobody informed me we were in the ’90s, but okay.

So I pulled out my favorite pink pen and notebook and struggled to pay attention to this jackass leading the classroom ramble on and on about the syllabus that I could practically recite because every teacher says the same exact thing. No cheating. Three absences and they deduct points from your grade. 70-79 is considered a C. Same shit as every other class. We get it. Let us leave.

“I assume all of you have done the reading I assigned prior to this class.”

Uhhh, what reading?

“Who can tell me why understanding other cultures is important in relation to communication? …Anyone? …How about you Miss Stritz? You seem to be interested today.”

You have got to be fucking shitting me. At least it is not a hard question. I can bullshit this easily.

“Well it’s essential to communication because you don’t want to accidentally insult someone and cause a conflict. It is-“ Just then my phone began to ring. My friend Riley. She’s probably calling to vent about her recent breakup. Great timing.

“Oh no. I’m so sorry. My friend recently went through a breakup and has officially lost her shit. Oh my God. Please excuse my language.”

“Miss Stritz, this is not some show like The Bachelor. I don’t care who breaks up with whom. What I do care about, however, is this class resuming as planned according to the syllabus. You are wasting not only my time, but the rest of your classmates’ time.”

“You watch The BachelorFuuuuck. I did not mean to say that out loud. Kinda surprising if he does watch it though. Not many dudes watch The Bachelor. Maybe he’s gay. Or maybe his wife watches it…. Hahaha nah. Who would marry this bastard?

By this point everyone in the class was laughing. Dr. Slapdick is red in the face, and I can practically feel the loathing.

“I think you should stay after class and we can have a little chat about what to expect for the rest of the semester.”

“I have class right after this,” I lied.

“Well as you have already proven, you don’t mind being a few minutes late to class. I suppose we can schedule a time to meet during my office hours.”

“Sounds good to me.” I add a sarcastic smirk.

We quickly agreed to meet on Friday. After I got out of that hellhole, two people were waiting to tell me it would all be okay. They had him for other classes and he always finds one student to pick on. Apparently this semester I will be that student. AWESOME. CAN’T WAIT.

Before I parted from campus, I headed straight to the one place that I knew would never treat me like Dr. Slapdick did… Starbucks. I deserved a second round since I couldn’t enjoy the first drink.

“Can I get a grande iced chai latte with nonfat milk please?”

“Another one?”

I turned around, and there he was. This semester is off to a great start.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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