I’m really bad at Snapchat. Like, disturbingly bad. So bad, in fact, that I have been known to take screenshots of acquaintances’ stories since I tend to forget that Snapchat sends users screenshot alerts. In my defense, I only took a screenshot of Carrie’s story because her eyebrows looked AMAZING and I wanted to send a picture of them to my friend. So I’m not really a creep – I’m just an incredibly nice, complimentary person.
But, if I’m being honest, I’m also really bad at Instagram. If you follow me on Instagram (which I honestly wouldn’t recommend doing and you’re about to find out why), you’ll notice that my last Instagram was an obligatory post about my big’s birthday…in January. Roughly ten months ago. I have had no desire to post anything in ten. freaking. months.
And if I’m being brutally honest, I don’t even care about the fact that I don’t care. I know, I know. “This is the 21st century, it’s all about creating your personal brand, not having an Instagram makes you look like a serial killer, blah blah blah.” I’ve heard it all. But why should I care about social media? I mean, seriously, have you even looked at your Instagram lately?!
Well, I have. And it is not great. It’s not bad, but it’s pretty predictable. There’s that photo of you and all your friends at some tailgate with the caption “day ones” and a heart emoji. This photo isn’t offensive in question, but that caption certainly is because it is almost always a lie. Everyone knows you avoid eye contact with all the people you met on the first day of college because they saw you move into your dorm all sweaty and gross and then later found you crying from saying goodbye to your parents in the communal bathroom.
Speaking of lies, that picture of you smiling after running that half-marathon is just plain false advertising. Running isn’t fun! Running is the worst. Despite what your caption says, there is never a “perfect day for a 13.1” followed by a checkmark emoji.
And that picture of you and your best friend clinking champagne bottles at that Great Gatsby themed party is a little passé. Don’t you remember that Lauren Conrad did Great Gatsby for Halloween in like, 2006? So if Lauren Conrad, the least cutting edge person in the world, has already been there, done that with flappers – ten years ago – I think it’s time we collectively give Great Gatsby themed parties a rest. Oh and that quote you used in the caption is actually from “Tender is the Night,” by the way.
And last but not least: coffee. There’s so much coffee! Starbucks, artisanal lattes, latte foam art with the caption “barista on point” with that “a-ok” emoji. I love coffee – love it! In fact, I need to drink at least four cups a day to stave off my naturally sleepy disposition. But I’m getting enough of it in real life, so I don’t really need to see your coffee. Especially if it’s your yearly PSL snap. You do realize that Starbucks is like, everywhere? No actually. The whole point of Starbucks is that it’s literally everywhere. I don’t need you to show me any more Starbucks.
So, until social media ups its game, I think I’m going to continue to sit it out. Unless, of course, I want to Facebook-stalk my ex-boyfriend. Then it’s perfectly acceptable to use..