If Your Sheets Could Talk

If Your Sheets Could Talk

They’ve seen it all. From drunken one-night stands to tear-stained Netflix nights, your sheets have witnessed all of your finest moments. They’ve kept you safe and warm inside your own bed, a haven from the cruelty of the outside world. They’ve survived your constant makeup spills and that one time when you drunkenly peed the bed. But have you ever stopped to wonder what they would say if they could talk?

“It’s going to be okay.”
After your heart is inevitably broken by that frat boy you swore you knew was no good for you, your sheets will be there to comfort you. “It’s going to be okay” they’ll coo in your ear as you cuddle your pillow and shove chocolate in your face. “He didn’t deserve you, anyway. Besides, who needs a guy with a gallon-sized ego and a pint-sized penis? Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

“You look hot.”
Whenever you need a pick-me-up, your sheets will give you just that. “Damn, girl, look at you! You are working that new bra. See, I told you that you could use a trip to Victoria’s Secret. Now just wait until he walks in the door. He’s going to have you out of those overpriced underwear in under ten seconds. Five if he works fast. Let’s just hope he knows how to take other things nice and slow. P.S. don’t forget there are condoms in the drawer over there.”

“Get the eff up.”
For all those days when you keep on hitting snooze, your sheets have got your back. “Seriously?! This is the third time this week. Plus, you’re starting to drool. Not cute. It’s really not that hard to get up when your alarm goes off the first time. Ugh, that stupid piano riff is starting to get on my last nerve. Get your adorable, lazy butt off of me and get to class! If you miss another one of your morning classes, you’re going to have to start going in for office hours Thursday night, and we both know that’s just cutting into your drinking time.”

“Are you kidding me?!”
Sometimes you have the flu or you just have too much to drink, and unfortunately for your sheets, they take the brunt of it. “EW. For real? Your friends were nice enough to tuck you in and drag the garbage can all the way over to your bed and you can’t even manage to hang your head far enough over the edge to vom into it? What did I ever do to you? Get up and wash me right now! Don’t you dare roll over and go back to sleep.”

“Nice move.”
If your roommates are asleep, your sheets might be the only ones to admire that fine man candy you sneak in at 3 a.m. “Did you see his six-pack? Boy was rocking those V-lines like it was nobody’s business. The way his skin felt against my cotton…mmhmm. Get it, girl!”

Whether it is words of encouragement or that stern voice your wine-induced conscience seems to be lacking, your sheets would always know just what to say. They have seen you looking #flawless for formal, and they have watched as you have fallen asleep with all of your clothes on after a drunken make out session with the local bartender. With their unconditional love and sassy attitude, your sheets would make the perfect sidekick.

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InVinoVeritas is a recent college graduate who spends most of her time drowning her sorrows of graduation in coffee and tequila shots. She enjoys monogramming anything that doesn't move and drinking copious amounts of wine. Compliments, love letters, and cute videos of animals dressed as humans can be sent to

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