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If Your Recruitment Chair Ran The Grammys

I can’t remember my life before the Grammys. That’s how long the ceremony seemed to last. There’s no before or after, there’s just hours of radio hits being performed by people who may or may not have talent. While there were lots of male musicians last night, it was the girls who really rocked it. You can’t host the Grammys without pop princesses, and luckily, Hollywood didn’t disappoint.

Beyoncé


I know we have the same hours in a day as Beyoncé, but I’m starting to think she has a time turner. It’s unclear where she found the time to put out a secret album, ride her SURFBORT, and twerk better than MiCy, all while providing America’s princess, Blue Ivy, with the ultimate sippy cup. Maybe that’s why her hair was still wet– she didn’t have time to blow dry it. All hail Queen Bey.
Consensus: Bid

Lorde


I’d like Lorde if she was a little less goth and a little more grateful. This season on American Horror Story: Coven, they’ve been hunting for the Supreme, but I found her. After all, the only reason to jerk violently like that is if you’re possessed. We’ve all seen Gossip Girl, so we know how heavy make-up and rebellion ended for Little J — exile.
Consensus: No bid.

Taylor Swift


Taylor Swift is the ultimate guilty pleasure. Everyone hates her because they remember the guy reason they once loved her. No one wants to be reminded of the week they spent lying on their floor listening to Trouble, and T-Swizzle brings back all those memories and more. Despite the fact that she was head banging like she was at a Metallica concert (I’m still mad we were forced to be at one), she shut it down. Taylor Swift dancing at awards shows is every drunk sorority girl who drops it low and can’t get back up.
Consensus: Bid.

Katy Perry


Sorry, Katy, even the fiery inferno of hell can’t distract from the fact that you can’t sing. Pink out-sang you from the ceiling, and you couldn’t even hit your high notes while humping a broomstick. Even Sara Bareilles showed you up, because her Brave is the better Roar. Understandable that you’d attempt to be the Supreme, but Lorde already called it. I kept hoping that Lorde and Katy would fight to the death for Supreme status, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the exciting finale.
Consensus: No bid.

Kacy Musgraves


Anyone who begins her acceptance speech with “I can’t even,” is already a full-blown sorority girl. I bet she literally died last night. She even took down Taylor, providing enough emotions (along with the Daft Punk win) to write Taylor’s newest record for her. Even though Kacey looked like she was performing at a country carnival, those light-up cowboy boots would be perfect for Mardi Gras and mixers.
Consensus: Bid.

Madonna


Go home, Madonna, you’re drunk. Girlfriend wore white to the biggest wedding ceremony of the century, when it’s blatantly uncool to upstage the bride(s). With the pimp cane, grill, and attempt to rap with Macklemore, you have to respect her constant conquest to maintain relevancy. She’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom, you guys.
Consensus: No bid.

Pink


I can barely open a jar on my own, and Pink can lift full grown men into the air. She sounded better than everyone else who performed, and she did it while upside down and hanging by her toes. Her trapeze performance was the literal high of the night. I’m sweaty after a particularly rough Zumba song, and Pink still looked perfect after the workout of a lifetime.
Consensus: Bid.

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Fleur de Lilly

Fleur de Lilly (@margaretabrams) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and Post Grad Problems. When she's not corrupting her big's baby, she can be found decoding texts, gravitating towards raised surfaces, and spending time with her gentleman caller, Jack Daniels. She loves Lilly, Louisiana, and her lineage.

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