I need to preface this by saying I’m not a bitter, jealous, single cat lady with a dried-up vagina. I have a boyfriend of over two years, am in a successful relationship, and I’m actually happy for my friends when they get engaged. Well, as long as the ring doesn’t suck, that is. With that being said, if you get engaged this weekend, you are the worst kind of person, and I want you to know that both myself and everyone else on the planet hates you and thinks you’re a douchebag.
Getting engaged on Valentine’s Day is hands down the least romantic thing you could possibly do for your significant other this weekend. As we all know, getting engaged on a holiday is just a cheap excuse for your significant other to get out of buying you a gift. If you’re looking at a shiny ring on your left hand this Sunday evening, I want you to know that it’s there because your ignorant boyfriend had no clue what the fuck to get you and went for the cop-out instead.
After a year of dating, this imbecile has no idea what kind of flowers you like, where to take you for dinner, or what brand of earrings you’re dying to have. Nope, he probably pulled this out as a second resort only to buying you a drugstore heart-shaped box of empty calories. If you get engaged on Valentine’s Day, you’re not lucky or #blessed, you have a boyfriend who doesn’t know you at all.
More importantly, if you get engaged on Valentine’s Day, you’re a pretentious douchebag and no one likes you. There’s no need to show up everyone you know by talking about how your Valentine’s Day was sooooo much more romantic and wonderful than yours was. That doesn’t make you special. It makes you a bitch. Every girl in a relationship is going to have a romantic Valentine’s Day. Taking a national holiday and making it all about you is one of the most annoying things you could possibly do, so seriously, just don’t.
Let’s not even mention that getting engaged on Valentine’s Day is the most cliche thing you could ever do as a couple. It’s so bad that the thought of this happening to me not only makes me cringe, but I’m pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little bit. What’s next — going canoeing in a lake of swans? Getting a star named for you after coming down with a fatal disease?
Getting engaged on Valentine’s Day isn’t special or romantic. It says nothing about you as a couple. Your guy is using this weekend as a day to get engaged because he doesn’t have to go the extra effort to be romantic or come up with a great proposal that encompasses your relationship together. A Valentine’s Day proposal isn’t romantic, it’s a cop-out, and you should recognize it immediately if it happens to you.
I know we’re in the thick of engagement season, but what’s the harm in waiting a week or two? Yes, getting engaged is partly an emotional decision, and I’d be lying if I said that feelings weren’t important when it comes to true love. But what’s even more important than feelings when it comes to forever is your compatibility as a couple and the knowledge that you have a solid foundation of trust and mutual life goals which you can build the next 60 years on.
Sure, you might be sitting at a rose-covered table and get swept away with emotion when a little blue box comes out. But once the haze of adrenaline and superiority over being engaged before graduation clears, you’ll probably start to realize that an engagement based purely on what’s supposed to be romantic and not based on timing that’s right for you isn’t the stuff dreams are made of – it’s the stuff divorce papers are made of. Go ahead and enjoy your engagement while it lasts, but know that if it happens this Valentine’s Day, it probably won’t be for long. Meanwhile, I’ll be stalking you all on Facebook to find out exactly when your relationship status changes back to single so I say “I told you so.”