Midway through college, the idea of the real world hits you like a ton of red bricks and suddenly you have to figure out what you want to do with your life. This means job hunting, which requires finding a pantsuit that doesn’t make you look like a middle-aged librarian and decking out your resume with all your accomplishments, real or not . If after all that, luck is on your side, then you’ll land an interview. You couldn’t be more excited that your hard work is being rewarded, but as you begin preparing for the big day, anxiety and fear strikes your emotions. Sometimes it’s hard putting your best foot forward and talking yourself up. If only the interviewers would accept your 100 percent honest self — then it would go something like this.
“Nice to meet you, tell us about yourself.”
Well, I just graduated from school and I’m looking for a job. Oh, wait obviously, that’s why I’m here! I was in a sorority in college and it’s made me the person I am today. I wouldn’t be anywhere near as confident or as much of a drunk without my sisters.
“What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
I once blacked out five days in a row. It was Greek week, so don’t pass judgment. But honestly, that’s a tough contender with my “Most Likely To Wake Up Anywhere But Her Bed” formal award.
“What can you bring to the company that other interviewees can’t?”
I would have to say social skills. I was waiting out there in the lobby with everyone else and I swear I was the only one mildly entertaining. Clearly no one else has been through recruitment and mastered the art of small talk.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
I can shotgun a beer faster than some guys. Like, not all guys, but a few. Or maybe that wasn’t a guy. I don’t know, but it was fast.
I would have to say that my biggest weakness is that I have no weaknesses. I’m not just saying that either. I honestly can’t think of anything.
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Oh, well at that point I’ll easily be married. I’m not dating anyone right now. Well, not yet. I’m working on him. You know how men are. We’ll get a place and go on family vacations together.
“Why do you want to work for our company?”
I stalked the company Instagram page and I really like all the philanthropy and service hours you complete. Oh, and I stalked a few employees’ Insta feeds and they had some serious likes and participation in happy hours. I feel like I would fit in really well.
“Are you willing to relocate for a position?”
Depends where. And how good the malls are. And if any of my sisters already live there because I can’t live without them.
“What past experience do you have that qualifies you for a job with us?”
Well, my internship last year was at my dad’s company. I really didn’t have to do much. Actually, I only went a few days a week. Sometimes I would organize spreadsheets, but most of the time I just read TSM articles.
“Tell me about a time you handled a difficult situation.”
I got this. So about one hour before our 5K philanthropy event started for my sorority, we realized that we didn’t have enough participants to reach our fundraising goal. So I texted my favorite fraternity guys and told them they *had* to be there or else I wouldn’t be at their party this weekend. They all showed up and basically I single-handedly saved the day.
“Tell me about a time you made a mistake.”
How about I just tell you his name.
“Okay, that’s all we need right now. We’ll be in contact.”
Do you think you’ll be calling me? Because I’ll have to let you know when I’m free. My schedule is really busy right now..