By this point, most of you have probably read the viral email sent through William and Mary Sigma Chi’s listserv. It was gross. It was misogynistic. It was a little bit entertaining. Here’s what it would have sounded like had it been written by a girl.
Subject: Life, love, and dicks
Ladies, I just want to put out an early semester reminder that life is good. You’re here, you’re alive, your boobs may be slightly different sizes, but you still have great cleavage today; be thankful. I ask you all to take a few seconds off from complaining about the cold, or preparing your schedule for Spring 2016 and look around you. There’s Burnett’s to be drunk, “Magic Mike” to view (for the 16th time), and asshole players to avoid. Let me reiterate that last point: dicks are everywhere. While walking from class to class with your head down limiting exposure to the arctic winds of late, take notice of the feet trampling along. See some Bean Boots? Some man Uggs (here’s looking at you Tom Brady)? A way out-of-season pair of Sperrys that have clearly never seen the bottom of a boat? Now raise your gaze from the footwear up, allow your eyes to wander from those man feet up the pastel pants of the cockier sex (pun intended) until you finally arrive at God’s most misused creation: the penis.
Now stop. Take it all in, hold your breath, and try not to imagine the skid marks on the underwear he’s wearing, dodge the mental images that he might not be wearing any at all, but don’t stare too long; they might think you’re into it.
Now refocus. That penis “needs” you. Never mind the extremities that surround it, the 1 percent of charming bullshit that makes up the modern frat star. Consider instead the 99 percent, the part controlled by his penis. It has probably jackrabbit-fucked many women and failed to get any of them off. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim, don’t be another statistic. Master your horniness, hone your self-control, and perfect your “might have actually satisfied a girl in bed at least once” detection. Sit yourself down and watch a fucking porno and see what guys think you want if you have to, but do not fall for the myth that you should be moaning like that while a male stabs you in the vagina with his penis for five (ten if you’re unlucky) minutes. I’m losing sleep at night thinking of all those pussies crying out for a good fuck and not getting it, so I’m reaching out to you all in a time of need to initiate my community outreach program: You Deserve Better. Don’t let this educational opportunity go to waste. Seize the moment, get what’s yours, and finally find a guy who cares enough to make you come every time (because I promise, they do exist).
Thank you all, and good luck.
P.S. I’d like to express a sincere thank you to the author of the original email for his raw material. You made my job all too easy.