The term “squad” has become a very common label in almost every basic bitch’s vocabulary. An Instagram with more than three girls will probably have a “squad” reference in the caption. People still think it’s original to name their group message “Squad.” But really the only squad that matters is Taylor Swift’s. So while you may share Taylor’s qualities of making your exes uncomfortable and owning too many sundresses, you’re probably not in a squad like hers.
You and the girls in your favorite group message identify closer with some characters from a fairy tale anyone with a childhood knows. We grew up watching our VHS Disney movies and always placed ourselves as the leading lady that ends up with the honey that suspiciously always had better hair than the princess. Now that we’re grown up (kind of) you’ve come to terms that you’re not a princess and most of the guys you know are prematurely balding so that their hairline keeps up with their dad bod. More than likely you and your best friends are a drunker version of the 7 dwarfs from “Snow White.”
Everyone’s favorite bitch. The one full of sarcastic comments, bitter resentment towards most males and no, that’s not a resting bitch face, she’s actually glaring at you. She walks around like she has a chip on her shoulder and wasn’t hugged enough as a kid, but she’s actually from South Florida and her sweet 16 was probably on a yacht.
The nursing, pre-law, or pre-med major. She’s the natural leader of the group because not only is she the most academically gifted, she’s blessed with common sense the rest of you lack at times. She’s the mom. Well, the kind of mom that knows what guys you hook up with and that tequila makes you a mean drunk.
The girl of few words. She is more embarrassed and shy about how she spends her Saturday nights. Doesn’t kiss and tell about the night before until she’s two mimosas in at brunch. Probably lost her virginity to her high school sweetheart on senior prom night before they promised that 600 miles had nothing on their love. While she’s less wild than the rest of you, she’s the one who everyone trusts with their biggest secrets.
“Anyone wanna smoke before chapter?”
What friend group would be any fun without the party girl with a wild streak? She’s the girl who texts the group message during her Tuesday 9 a.m. to ask who wants to go out. The one you can always count on to be down to smoke a bowl or knows who to ask for Vyvanse. She can always find Molly and the bar with the cheapest cover.
The one who’s always too “sick” or “not feeling well” to make it out. The friend who goes out once every two weeks and then leaves early because her “stomach hurts.” Whatever Jessica, just admit you’d rather be naked in bed with your boyfriend than at the bar. However, the MIA friend is cheaper than Uber when you need a DD to get you to the closest Crunchwrap Supreme ASAP.
If any of you are having a bad day, you can count on this one to make you laugh or at least soft smile. The funny friend is almost as essential to a friend group as the mom friend is. She probably sends a lot of gifs and memes in the group message. She’s the center of attention at most gatherings, but no one minds because her impersonation of the boy from your favorite fraternity is too funny to let anyone talk over her.
The slutty friend. She embraces it and you love her for it. She’s not sleepy, but she is often on her back in a bed somewhere. She’s the perfect wingman and never hesitates to give you advice on why that sex position didn’t work for you. This one probably bought you a vibrator for your birthday and wears shacker shirts more than her own letters. It’s common for her to climb in your passenger seat Sunday mornings with a yawn and go “I’m so tired, I hardly got any sleep last night.”
Oh, and none of you are Snow White. Snow White is the drunk pretty bitch in the bathroom crying that you all gather around to help and pry that apple martini out of her hand. .
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