If The Bachelor Contestants Went Through Recruitment

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I love “The Bachelor,” you love “The Bachelor,” and basically everybody is all about Juan Pablo right now. I mean, look at the man. He’s incredibly hot. And I totally get why these girls are going all stage 5 clinger on him–it happens to the best of us. It just so happens that every second of their romantic downward spiral is being televised, bless their hearts. Sorry I’m not sorry, girls. Now it may just be me, but every time I sit down to watch the show with a glass bottle of wine, I can’t help but have recruitment flashbacks. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen each and every one of these girls during sorority recruitment at some point. If you’ve ever experienced  recruitment, either as a PNM or as a sister, you probably have, too. Let’s take a look at some of the most popular girls from this season of “The Bachelor” as that PNM. You know which ones I’m talking about. Plus, it’s so much easier to get to know them this way–am I right?

Chelsie: The Historian

Basically this girl knows more about your sorority than you do. During house tours she literally tells you Wikipedia-length info on your sisterhood, founders, philanthropy, whatever. She even has dirt on your house mom. Part of you is super interested in hearing more details (a girl’s got to know her sorority facts) but the other part of you is totally creeped out. Clearly she did more to prepare for recruitment than just going shopping and checking out GreekRank. Girl is pretty much majoring in your sorority.

If Chelsie had spilled more details about Juan Pablo in the first few episodes, I would have suspected she talked to his mother and met his father beforehand. Take two steps back, honey.

Victoria: The Hot Mess

You’ve warned your bestie from your sister sorority about this girl. Somehow, this type of girl slips through the cracks and causes nothing but trouble. She’s the girl who has several Britney moments during the week because her dresses are all two sizes too small and completely inappropriate. As the week progresses, dress goes from casual to formal, not casual to spring break in Cancun. Apparently she didn’t get the memo. So you make a mental note to keep an eye out on her and hope the vodka she chugged that morning doesn’t cause dehydration before the day is over. Nothing like nursing a wasted PNM during rush. Classy.

It took Juan Pablo all of two seconds to send this girl home after she got trashed during a group date. And then she ended the night crying on a bathroom floor. 

Sharleen: The Suicide-er

Either her mom made her rush or she totally hates your sorority. Whatever. You wish you had a mirror handy so you could show her how ridiculous she looks staring at the ceiling. What’s that? You feel like you would fit in better at another house? Don’t worry. After this round, the feeling is absolutely mutual.

Juan Pablo is completely oblivious to the mixed messages Sharleen’s sending him. One second she’s totally suiciding and the next second she’s madly in love. Pick a side, sweetheart.

Renee: The Legacy

It doesn’t matter if you like her not. Under a technicality, you have to at least let her get to the third round. Or something like that. She’s pleasant enough and you could see her fitting in, but there’s nothing about her that screams “Bid me!” She’ll probably make it pretty far into the week, but you don’t call this one too soon.

Renee is the easy choice for Juan Pablo. She’s also a single parent and understands what that’s like, so they have something in common. But is the fire there? Not really.

Clare: The Rush Crush

If she doesn’t end up in your house, you will literally eat fro-yo every day for an entire month mourning your sorority’s loss. Clearly she’s perfect, but you also can’t seem too eager. A PNM like this doesn’t just show up every recruitment, and you will do everything in your power to make sure she becomes one of your future sisters by the end of the week. She’s your rush crush. Your future little. Basically, she’s the only reason you look forward to recruitment week at all.

Clare and Juan Pablo go together like wine and my monogrammed tumbler. You just can’t say no to the combo. We all know they’re perfect for each other–fingers crossed he figures that out, too.

Image via E! Online
Image via ABC

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Wine2TheRescue is a legal marketing pro & blogger out of Washington, D.C. but is originally a sorority girl out of Northwest Florida. As a recent graduate and expert twenty-something, she spends most of her time trying to balance her work schedule with her daily required wine intake. It's a struggle she's learning to manage, but nothing she can't lean on her sisters for help with. She is also a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and Post Grad Problems.

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