Can you imagine if there was a website like WebMD where girls went when they were mid-panic attack about the mundane shit in life they freak out about? Someplace that gave us conclusively negative results regarding the things we’re already nervous about? It would probably look something like this.
Question: My boyfriend has always been loyal to me, but Snapchat just came out with an update that hides who his best friends are. Does this mean he’s going to start hiding things from me? He’s probably Snapchatting other girls now that I have no way to check on him. Do you think he’s going to leave me once he starts talking with all those girls on his Snapchat? Should I be having trust issues right now?!
WebMD: Yes, OMG girl. You are SO SPOT ON. He is probably so happy now that his secret is safe, and those nudes are going to roll into his inbox just as fast as you’ll roll out of his life. I know you probably had your doubts whether you were just being paranoid, but I am here to tell you that it is 100% okay if you decide you want to break up with him. It’s better to leave than be left. Trust me. I’m a doctor.
Question: I just took a major test and have no clue how I did on it. I spent endless amounts of time studying and have done well on every other exam in the class, but did I fail? I probably failed, right? If I failed this test then my grade is probably going to drop SO HARD.
WebMD: Odds are you failed it. Honestly. You have an A in the class? Well, kiss that goodbye because once this exam is graded, your average is going to plummet. You will fail the class, and subsequently fail in life. The depression will soon set in, and you’ll no longer be able to keep up your pristine GPA. Look into local fast food spots to see if they’re hiring, because nobody is going to want to hire the girl who didn’t fully grasp the anatomy of the larynx. You should honestly probably just drop out of school now. Trust me. I’m a doctor.
Question: I’ve been on this new healthy diet kick, but I’m really craving Taco Bell right now. My body is literally about to go into shock if I don’t get a cheesy gordita crunch and cinnamon twists. What should I do?
WebMD: Are you freaking kidding me?! Grab your keys and get to Taco Bell ASAP. Your body is telling you what you need and if you’re really trying to treat your body right, you need to listen to what it’s trying to tell you. Plus, you started your diet three days ago which means you are in really good shape already. You won’t regret Taco Bell. No one ever regrets Taco Bell. Trust me. I’m a doctor.
Maybe it’s better we make calls on our own about handling the situations life throws our way. And maybe…we should stop taking what WebMD says about the cancer we definitely have so seriously. It’s okay to freak out about things, but if you’re looking for bad news, you’ll almost always find it. Stop looking to the web to solve all of your problems, and sit down with your girlfriends to come up with a reasonable answer on your own. Unless, of course, your problem has to do with math. Then you should definitely Google the answer..