If Cover Letters Were Honest

Cover Leter

Dear Company,

I’m writing in regards to literally any open position you have at your firm, which I heard about through a Google search of employers that offer happy hour. During my time in higher education I have realized that many of my peers are #peasants; therefore I know my limited experiences and middle-class background will make me “not the worst” addition to the team.

Throughout childhood, I have been presented with an array of awards, including: Most Valuable Player of my U-12 soccer team, Star Student for my 30 days of consecutive attendance, and 4th grade Honor Roll because of my ability to comprehend the complexities of fractions and vocab words. This confidence in my abilities led me to pursue a degree at the university I felt allowed for the optimal party experience while still sounding respectable when my parents tell people where their kid goes to college.

During the summer of my junior year I involved myself in an internship program, at the strong suggestion of my parents and faculty advisors (they just wanted me off the couch). From this experience I was able to gain a number of invaluable skills, such as retaining a two-minute Starbucks order and how to use creativity to come up with a better call out excuse than attending Coachella. As of late, my professional life is focused on the easiest degree I can get, while still making me a candidate for hirings, and wishing I knew how to develop the next billion dollar app. My personal life involves taking Go Pro selfies and pretending Buzzfeed lists are a reputable news source. As I progress towards graduation, I am excited to start a career that allows me to work from my lawn chair on the beach and recognizes learning Excel through YouTube videos as a viable skill.

Thank you for your consideration; should you request an interview I can be reached by email at or by text message at (988) 555-7243.

Hire me pretty please,

Not Ready to Graduate

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My dream job is a moderately dressed girl on instagram.

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