If AHS Coven Ran Your Exec

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They’re a powerful bunch. As Fiona so clearly put it, “You’re missing the point. The point is in this whole wide wicked world, the only thing you have to be afraid of is me.”

Fiona. Fucking duh. Girlfriend is the baddest bitch there ever was or ever will be. She’s the Supreme which essentially means that she’s the Queen of the Coven — and she knows it. Between the sleeping around, the excessive drinking, the casual coke use, the throat slitting, the spell casting, and the all around badass bitchery, Fiona runs shit. She’s not afraid to speak her mind and she sure as shit knows how to command a room. Fiona is the girl that younger girls fear, older girls are over, and alumnae try kick out (or, you know, kill). Essentially, she is the quintessential president.

Myrtle. While she’s not the HBIC, she does have a very authoritative presence and that counts for a lot. She served on the Council of Witchcraft, which might as well just be renamed standards at this point. #sorryforpartying Myrtle isn’t necessarily a looker and she’s certainly not the life of the party, but she does serve a very important purpose — she keeps everyone in line. After her momentary setback of being burned at the stake, she came back to life and sought revenge upon those who did her wrong like any true sorority girl would. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold — and laden with calories. Sure, she’s a bit nuts and gouged out her best friends’ eyes, but she proved a very good point in doing so: don’t cross her.

Marie Laveau. Let’s just cut straight to the point: bitch is terrifying. Between selling her soul to the devil, sacrificing infants, murdering sprees, and practicing enough voodoo to make me fearful of ever traveling to the Caribbean, she is fucking scary. While she’s too batshit to ever be standards, her bone-chilling presence would do wonders as marshall. I believe her mantra to be something along the lines of “Do what I say or I will kill you.” So, that’s that. Plus, who better to run ritual than an actual voodoo witch? Just be mindful to avoid direct eye contact with her during initiation and formal chapter. Other than that, girlfriend’s perfect.

Assistant Marshall
Queenie. She’s already Marie’s little bitch, so it might as well be sorority official. She’s crazy, vengeful, spiteful, but at the end of the day, she really does mean well. Additionally, she looks over those she cares about. Pretty important for a marshall, ammirite?

New Member
Zoe. She nursed Kyle back from the dead, so it’s safe to say that she could handle herself amongst homesick 18-year-olds. She’s arguably the most maternal of the group — and not off her rocker like Cordelia. She’s loving, nurturing, and for the most part, only uses her magic for good.

Assistant New Member
Cordelia. She means well, she really, really does…but at the end of the day, she’s just too unstable for the position. Yes, she is technically in charge of the school, and yes, she really wanted a child, but she also stabbed herself in the eyes with gardening shears. She’s more than welcome to help with the babies, she just needs a little a lot of supervision.

Social Chair
Madison. The former Hollywood tartlet turned psycho witch may have lost her mind along the way, but she didn’t lose her appreciation for fun. While she very clearly has a black heart and nonexistent soul, she can throw down with the best of them. And, really, what else do you need in a social chair?

Recruitment Chair
Misty. Sure, she’s a little bit redneck, but that just means that she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Misty is the perfect amount of sass, spunk, and total badass that is necessary for a flawless recruitment experience. Plus, she just exudes cool. Her Anthropologie dresses, feather accessories, and wavy hair scream “new breed of sorority girl” and I fucking love it. Plus, if I were a PNM and I walked into a party that was blaring Stevie Knicks and serving crawfish, I’d be sold. Bid me now. Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours.

Philanthropy Chair
Nan. As we sadly found out when she drowned (otherwise known as heartlessly murdered) in the bathtub, Nan does not have a mean bone in her body. She’s giving, caring, and while slightly vengeful and a little batshit, she truly did always have the best of intensions. What better person to plan and orchestrate your organization’s charitable deeds? Bless you, Nan. Bless you.

Assistant Philanthropy Chair
Delphine. Girlfriend needs to learn some manners. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Madame LaLaurie.

Image via Hollywood Reporter

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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