I have always been attracted to girls. The legs, the hair, the boobs… everything about us is sexy. By the time I had entered college, I had had my fair share of girl on girl hookups. Usually I was in some way intoxicated, yet it never went past making out. Hell, I went home with a girl I had met at the PRIDE Parade and did not seal the deal. I couldn’t quite describe why. I was into it. I mean, she was gorgeous, nice, and funny. Had she been a male version of herself you better believe I would pull out the handcuffs as soon as the door had closed. But when it came time to touching her vagina, I could not do it. I was worried that I would do something wrong and forever be known at that girl who didn’t know what girls like.
It was my freshman year of college. I had hooked up with a few guys and then by the time second semester came around, I decided to “settle down” with an amazing boy from a different dorm. The adjustment period was a little rough. My boyfriend and I had met on the first day of classes and had been an ~almost~ thing ever since. I knew I wanted to be with my boyfriend. I thought I loved him, but going to from total freedom to being in a committed relationship was admittedly harder than I had anticipated. However, it wasn’t that I had an unrelenting need to sleep my way through my favorite fraternity — it was that I missed girls. Like, really missed girls.
One night my friend and I got high and it hit us hard. Suddenly being touched felt amazing, and we started giving each other massages. Maybe it was how smooth her legs were or how good her hair smelled, but for some reason I kissed her. And I wanted to keep kissing her, but did that make me a bad person? I had a boyfriend, and this was cheating. I knew that he would not have cared, or maybe just that he wasn’t there to watch. Either way I texted him, telling him that I needed to talk. She and I messed around while I waited.
By the time he arrived at my dorm room, we were naked and high as a kite. He opened the door and his jaw dropped. Slowly, he entered the room and asked what the fuck was going on. I offered him some of our illegal substances, but he declined and told me how stupid it was to get high in the dorms. Of course he was right, but I was not in the mood to listen. Instead, I begged him to massage me, and led him back to the bed. My friend had wrapped herself in my sheets and shyly asked if she should go. Here is where any sane person should have realized their mistake. I had knowingly brought my boyfriend into a room with a naked girl. A naked girl who is, without question, hotter than myself.
I tried to reason with myself. He knew what boobs looked like, so why should it matter if he saw hers? Well, it matters because there is no way to enter into this situation without getting yourself in the middle. Literally. As soon as we got on the bed I reached out for her again. I tried to act like I knew what I was doing, but I had no clue. She and I started going back at it while he sat back and enjoyed the view. I would have preferred that my first real experience with an girl to not have an audience, but I guess I can’t have my cake and eat it out too.
Everything was going well. I mean, it felt… different, but not necessarily in a bad way. Every way she touched me felt incredible. But then it was my turn.
I was face to face with her vagina. Suddenly I was very disinterested. Not that I look forward to having a guy ram a dick down my throat, but I am not actually opposed to it, either. This, however… no. It was the way it looked and the smell (although maybe that was just her?) and in that moment, I knew there was no way in hell I was going to do that.
I had a choice. I could either politely decline and make things awkward for all parties, or I could figure out another way to get her off. The answer was clear. I slowly backed away and tagged in my boyfriend. I made up some bullshit excuse of “he’s really good,” and moved out of the way. And then he took one for the team. I would rather watch my boyfriend hook up with another girl than put in the work myself.
Later that night he and I were snuggling watching Netflix. My mind was racing trying to figure out my sexual identity. It didn’t make sense how I could be so attracted to girls up until that point. But in the moment it didn’t matter, because I was dating a boy. A great boy. I looked at my boyfriend and he kissed my forehead, sending butterflies to my stomach.
“I like your face,” I said, making a weird face at him. He chuckled softly.
“I… I love you,” he said. It was a first for our relationship. It would have been perfect, had he not tasted like another girl’s vag..
Image via Shutterstock