I Made The Worst Mistake You Can Make As An Upperclassmen


In theory, welcome week 2016 was supposed to be the best one yet. I was finally going to show up with the amount of respect and confidence that could only be achieved via upperclassmen status. And seeing as quite a few of my friends had become newly single, we had all made the pact to “really out hoe” ourselves this year. After all, there’s no greater feeling than stumbling out of welcome week with a brand new roster of guys for the remainder of the semester.

It started out strong enough. We met up at a fraternity that was one of those fraternities you want to make an appearance at, but would be a waste to spend your night there. Sure, it’s fun, and some of the guys there are decent looking, but it’s not exciting. The guys and girls who start and end their night there are typically not big partiers. But we stopped by anyway, just to say to a few of our friends.

Mistake numero uno. As we’re hanging out and drinking their alcohol, I’m starting to feel… loose. When suddenly my friend, Dani, tenses up next to me.

“Is… Is Andrew here?” she shout-whispered into my ear. I whipped my head around. There’s no way that the boy I had the most dramatic fuck buddy relationship for the past few years of my life was at this party. He didn’t come to these parties. And yet, there he was. The tallest and hottest guy in the crowd. We locked eyes, but as he turned away I continued to stare.

“Um… Did you know he was coming here? Like, have you talked to him recently?” my other friend, Masey, inquired.

“Not since the pregnancy scare where he jumped ship,” I snarled.

“He’s an idiot! Come on, those shots were soooo good! Let’s get more,” Dani insisted, before pulling me back inside the house.

“Guys! I’m, like, so over it!” I lied while fanning my eyes. But I accepted the vodka-spiked slushy shots they handed me anyway. Then a few more. Finally, my mood began to change from sadness to just plain drunk. I slurred about how much I loved them, then locked eyes with the second person in the world I never wanted to see again — Emily, the bitch who slept with my boyfriend. Sure, it was after I had broken up with him, and sure it was a one-time thing. But hatred doesn’t know logic.

I muttered something about her being a bottom tier bitch before dramatically pushing past her to enter the dance floor. My friends followed closely behind and laughed as I accepted slushy shot after slushy shot. I blacked out sometime between pretending to know the lyrics to a rap song and badly twerking to 7th grade jams. When I came to, I was still face down ass up, but with a boy firmly behind me. Hm, guess drunk me could do something right, I thought to myself, despite not once making it to any one of the many better parties out there.

I didn’t trust my decisions, but obviously I couldn’t just casually look to see if the guy behind me was more of a night horror than a knight in shining armor. Looking over to Dani for some sort of help, she bit her lip and mouthed “Oh my Goooood.” Looks like my night was back to on schedule.

After continuing to dance and drink for another hour or two, I gave him my best set of fuck me eyes. “Want to get out of here?” he asked with a coy smile. Damn, he was hot. Or maybe I was just drunk. (Probably both.) And after such a horrific start to my night, I would follow him back to a damn cave if I had to. Looking back, I wish it was a cave, because where ended up taking me was so, so much worse.

We said goodbye to my friends and set off back in the direction of campus. As we passed by one of those giant “Honk if you’re dropping off your daughters!” banners hanging off of an annex house, I suddenly remembered why this week meant so much to me.

“I hope these freshmen bitches go ham this week,” I said to my new friend.

“Oh yeah?” he chuckled, helping me stumble down the uneven sidewalk.

“It’s all going to be over before they know it. God, I miss freshman year. I miss the dorms…”

“Why do you miss the dorms?” he asked, clearly disinterested but keeping his eye on the prize.

“I just had the best time you know? Like how fun would that be? To sneak back into the dorms?”

“We can, I live in the dorms!” he said enthusiastically, now pushing me into the direction of his place.

“You’re an RA?! Oh, my God! Yay! I can get back into the dorms!” I screamed.

“I’m not an RA, I’m a resident.”

My heart stopped. A resident? Was this kid even 18? Was I prepared for this new life of a cougar?! Finally, after reassuring me that landing on his penis wouldn’t land me in jail, I decided to say fuck it and fuck him. If Andrew could trade in for the naive freshmen girls, and Emily could open her legs anything and everything (especially ex-boyfriends), I deserved to start my week out with a bang.

“Let’s go find a liquor store,” I told him sternly. “Then my place, not the dorms.”

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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