Resting Bitch Face swept across the nation as the facial expression of the female population. It’s really when a girl doesn’t smile, but for some reason it needs a name. RBF has created a feeling of belonging for women all across the country. Finally, they can identify with other women who look like they would rather rip their tits off with their bare hands than be anywhere that they are. RBF became a symbol of the badass bitch. Women with RBF are viewed as inherently cooler, but mainly intimidating. Intimidating women are also usually strong and successful women, which is amazing for them. But for the rest of us who are not as stern in nature and aesthetic, it can be disheartening. We don’t fit in with the RBF girls. We’re always smiling like our teeth too big for our mouths. We wear our general excitement for life on our face. We have Golden Retriever Face.
Golden Retriever Face, trademark pending, is exactly as it sounds. The face of a golden retriever is stuck in a permanent smile. It is always content and calm, yet excited. It likes what it’s doing now but it’s looking forward to what is next. Even when a golden retriever is just sitting around doing nothing, it’s looking around at the room with the corners of its mouth turned up. That’s us. We don’t look mean, menacing, or even moderately rude. Quite the opposite actually. Our life-loving look invites strangers of all kinds to come us and do things like ask for our names and scratch us behind the ears (figuratively, of course).
There are obvious positives to having GRF. We look nice. People like golden retrievers because they are fun and lovable. You don’t look at a big goofy grin like ours and think “wow, bet you that girl has punched a baby before.” It’s more like “wow, bet you she wakes up in the morning and pisses rainbows.” We even smile when we’re mad. Or sad, or upset, or bored, or confused, or any emotion. Babies don’t cry when they see us, and most anyone trusts us. We attract friends, jobs, and free drinks wherever we go. All just for having a mouth that sits naturally in an upright position.
However, as with all good things, there are negatives. The twinkle in my eye and the dimples in my cheeks are a gift and a curse. Having a happy demeanor can also translate to a dimwitted demeanor. Sometimes it just looks like the lights are on but nobody’s home. Just sitting there with a smile on your face like there is nothing wrong in the world is not always fitting for everyday life situations. RBF gives off a “don’t fuck with me” vibe, while GRF gives off a “please fuck with me I promise I will do nothing about it!” vibe. Every guy thinks you’re flirting with them and every grandma thinks you want to hear about their life story (I have places to be, Ethel!). People take your kindness for weakness and your happiness for unintelligence. But it’s hard to be taken seriously when you look like the only thing you’re thinking about is nothing at all.
When it comes down to it, you can’t change your face. And if that face is stuck in a warm welcoming expression, use it to your advantage. Make new friends wherever you go. Ask a jewelry store if they have free samples. Just make sure you’re not using your powers for evil. Who’s a good girl? That’s right, you’re a good girl..
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