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I Hate Everyone

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“I hate everyone.” This is the phrase that essentially sums up my life in a nutshell. Whenever a minor inconvenience comes my way (most likely caused by me in the first place) there is no question that it’s someone else’s fault. This is why I choose to project my anger and hatred back onto the rest of the world. This usually takes the form of a public, overly dramatic groan, followed by me collapsing my head into my hands asking God why he hates me so much. Sometimes, there’s even the occasional violent head bang into the nearest drywall.

Here are some of the most famous “I Hate Everyone” moments I’m sure we all have come to NOT love and enjoy.

I Hate Everyone By Day…

  • I just not-so-subtly tripped over myself while texting and walking. I hate everyone.
  • Starbucks is out of caramel sauce. I hate everyone.
  • I just waved to someone and he or she didn’t see me. I hate everyone.
  • Every single cardio machine is taken the ONE time I find motivation to go to the gym this month. I hate everyone.
  • When I finally get on a cardio machine, my phone goes from 47 percent to dead. I hate everyone.
  • I put up a new profile picture four hours ago and no one has liked it yet. I hate everyone.
  • I just did my nails perfectly only to smudge them five seconds later while peeing. I hate everyone.
  • I just bought a 200-pack of bobby pins last week and already can’t find a single one. I hate everyone.
  • My hookup buddy just pointed out that I have lipstick on my teeth. I hate everyone.
  • The size four dress I ordered for formal is too small and the size six I ordered is too big. I hate everyone.
  • I texted my crush and it took him five hours to respond. And when he finally did, it was a one-word conversation ender. I hate everyone.

…I Hate Everyone By Night…

  • The liquor store has no Fireball. I REALLY hate everyone.
  • I have an entire closet full of clothes and literally nothing to wear. I hate everyone.
  • I’m too bloated to wear my bodycon dress. I hate everyone.
  • I just spent the past hour and a half changing my outfit for the night and I ended up wearing the first combination I put on. I hate everyone.
  • I am the only sober person at this party right now. I hate everyone.
  • Someone just changed my favorite pregame song on my iPod RIGHT in the middle of it, RIGHT before the beat was about to drop. I hate everyone.
  • I just got home. I’m drunk and alone. I hate everyone.
  • I just missed every single cup in a game of beer pong. I hate everyone.
  • I just resorted to buying myself a drink. I hate everyone.
  • I forgot my ID at home and didn’t remember it until I was already at the bar. I hate everyone.
  • Blacking in at 4 a.m. in a fraternity house chapter room completely alone. I hate everyone.

…I Hate Everyone With All My Fucking Might

  • I forgot to delete my drunk texts from last night and have them staring me in the face the morning after. All of them are unanswered. I hate everyone.
  • I just took a swig from the nearest water bottle only to realize it’s Bacardi Razz. I hate everyone.
  • I find myself hugging a puke-filled toilet at 3 a.m. for the eighth time this semester. I hate everyone.
  • I just woke up in an unfamiliar room next to an unfamiliar face and I have no idea where my phone is. I hate everyone.
  • I come into the kitchen the morning after a mixer to find an empty box of Oreos and a half-eaten jar of peanut butter. I hate everyone.
  • I took 47 pictures last night and I look either pale as fuck or fat as shit in every one of them. I hate everyone.
  • Someone brings up that one time I fell off a stage while giving some guy a birthday lap dance. I hate everyone.
  • “[Insert your ex’s name here] was tagged in 78 pictures in [insert your ex’s new girlfriend’s name here] album” pops up on my Newsfeed. I hate everyone.
  • It’s raining. I hate everyone.
  • It’s snowing. I hate everyone.
  • It’s sunny, but I’m hungover. I hate everyone.

No, but actually, though. Literally. Everyone.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

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