Newsflash: July is almost over. Before you know it, you’re going to be
throwing all your junk helter-skelter into whatever you can get your hands on neatly packing your bags and getting on your merry way back to your college town. Ah, I can practically feel my hair beginning to frizz in the thick, hot, beer-scented air of my favorite fraternity’s party room while ‘I Like Tuh’ blares, vibrating my rib cage. Thank GAWD, am I right?
If you’ve managed to tear yourself from your squad’s group message for more than five seconds this summer, you might have a little problem on your hands. A little, 6’2 and toned problem, to be exact. That’s right, ladies — I’m talking about your summer fling. You know, the guy you met when you were three prickly pear margaritas deep? With whom you’ve been doing a lot of “hiking” (walking to 7/11 for slurpees), “boating” (day drinking) and “watching Netflix” (having sex)? The guy you’re hanging out with more because you can’t stand your parents, your friends are spread across the country, and you need something to instagram other than your dog? Oh, yeah, him.
Don’t get me wrong — the summer fling is a fabulous and crucial necessity, but he’s a little like a David Guetta song. Sure, you’ll sing along when it comes on the radio, but do you really want to commit to putting him in your iTunes library and thus in your regular rotation? I thought not. Since he’s probably a sweet dude with a pretty good sense of humor and a face made for catalog modeling, you definitely don’t want to hurt him. Plus, as my grandpa always says, you should never pee in the well- sometime you might want to come back and take a drink. In other words, if you act like an asshole now, he won’t want to talk to you when you’re both back in town again for Thanksgiving or Christmas, so you’ll have to resort to hooking up with your ex-boyfriend from three boyfriends ago or your lab partner from junior year Honors Chem. Ick.
Since there’s barely enough room in your Vera Bradley duffel for your t-shirt collection, there’s definitely not going to be enough room for your summer boo. Unfortunately, you’re probably going to have to leave him at home. Now, obviously, there are about a million ways in which you can do this. Sure, you can act like an adult and have a face-to-face talk about how you weren’t looking for anything serious, it’s been fun but summer’s almost over, they’re a great person and you hope to stay in touch, etc. etc.. Suh-nooze.
Life is much more fun when you have a flair for the dramatic, so here are some more entertaining and extravagant ways to end your relationship on a positive note: Use the money you saved when he bought the booze on custom fireworks that spell out “I’m breaking up with you”. Invite him to the driving range and accidentally peg him with a golf ball. Treat him to a picnic with embossed napkins- his says ‘we’re over’, yours says ‘live colorfully’. Get his address and send him a thank you card. Make sure it reads ‘thanks for a great summer, have fun at school’ (just in case you picked him for his boat, not his SAT scores).
As Oscar Wilde always says, “you can never be overdressed or overeducated, but you can be overcommitted, so kiss that lil bitch goodbye,” or something like that. .