Let me start by saying that I’m pretty far into college and have seen my fair share of wieners, schlongs, hogs and any other name you can think of for a guy’s favorite body part.
However, one stands far above the rest. Recently, I came head to head (literally) with a monster dick. The skyscraper of penises, if you will. Some of you out there may know exactly what I’m talking about, and if so, I feel as if we are connected on a spiritual level. However, if you’re questioning it, you’ve probably not yet encountered one of these gargantuan beasts.
It all started with a bottle of wine and bad intentions, as well as carefully planned glances at the hottie across the room. I’d had quite the dry spell and needs that begged to be met. After about an hour or so of catching his eye as I laughed with my friends, the journey to unveiling this (unknown at the time) colossal cock ensued. The party died down eventually and I had to make the choice: leave with my friends like Audrey Hepburn would or stay for the fun like Marilyn Monroe.
Fast-forward through the night and I was definitely singing Happy Birthday, Mr. President. At this point, I was severely drunk/horny and I practically ripped the poor guy’s clothes off like I was some kind of animal. Mr. Sex God, as I appropriately call him, pulled me on top of him and did what any true gentleman would do, AKA he pointed to his crotch. I’m really into giving to others, so I politely unzipped his pants, pulled down his boxes and then I’m about 99.9 percent sure I audibly gasped.
That. Thing. Was. HUGE.
What stood (LOL) before me was not just any average-sized man piece, but one king to rule them all. Mr. Sex God must’ve been expecting this reaction because he gave me a wink as if to say, “good luck.” All I could think was, “What would Marilyn do”? She wouldn’t back down from this. No way.
Confidence is something I have always encouraged, especially in the bedroom, but unless you have no gag reflex whatsoever and are one of those people who can swallow a whole sword, 10/10 would not recommend attempting to deep throat a dick that is the size of your arm. You will not look sexy. You will almost choke/throw up.
After a good eight minutes or so of what was one of the most difficult blow jay’s ever and a very happy ending for colossal-cock, I stood up to look for my clothes. Mr. Sex God was confused as to why I was leaving, and ever so subtly asked, “Wait, aren’t we going to fuck?”
I imagined my gravestone reading: R.I.P, death by dick. Suddenly, I wasn’t so into it anymore.
To all the girls who have braved such a beast, I salute you. And to those who will experience it in the future, may the odds be ever in your favor. .
Image via Shutterstock