The last time I cried was about five hours ago, and I’m pretty sure it was because I listened to a song with a really pretty harmony. The time before that was last night when I teared up over a particularly emotional episode of Chopped. The thing is, I cry. All. The. Time. Pretty much anything remotely sentimental can set me off, and it drives me insane.
Cute video of a baby animal? I’m sniffling. Book with a sad ending? Probably a few tears. Death of a beloved movie character? Just forget it. And if I’m shedding tears over things that trivial, you can imagine what I must be like when I’m legitimately upset. Whether it’s a breakup, a fight with my parents, or a night when my friends blew me off, my hurt feelings usually result in a full-on sob fest.
And of course, these reactions are even more exaggerated and ridiculous when I have alcohol in my system. Just last week, I cried in a fast food restaurant because someone randomly liked an old photo of me and my ex. When I drink vodka, there’s about a 60% chance that I’ll end the night in tears over something totally insignificant. I can’t help it; this is just how I am.
When I was younger, my parents used to get frustrated when I cried over things that seemed stupid, because they didn’t understand it and thought I was doing it on purpose to act out. They’re not the only ones, though. I feel like there’s this stereotype about girls crying is always a strategic move, not a real expression of our feelings. We cry because we want attention. Or because we want sympathy. Or to win arguments. Or to avoid consequences when we’ve screwed up. But certainly not because crying is a natural emotional response for some people.
With all due respect, that’s a load of bull. I don’t cry because I want people to know I’m crying; I actually do my best to avoid crying in front of other people. And believe me, if I could magically change my brain chemistry or something to tone down the waterworks, I would, because why on earth would I want to deal with tears and snot and headaches every time I’m a little emotional?
I hate that I get choked up when I’m trying to explain myself rationally. I hate that my eyes look red and puffy so everyone I know can see I’ve been upset and expect me to talk about it. And I really, genuinely hate the attention that I get when I cry.
But as annoyed as I am by how visible my emotions are, there’s really nothing I can do about it. Some people never cry, and that’s cool I guess. But for me, crying is a necessary part of processing my feelings. It’s like emotional vomit. It’s unpleasant and frustrating and semi-gross but it just kind of happens and we have to deal with it.
To sum it all up, I have a lot of feelings. And I cry a lot over those feelings. And I can’t fucking help it. So, while I’m over here doing my best to chill out, just let me live, okay? I don’t judge people for how they deal with their problems, so don’t be a dick about how I deal with mine. It’s really that simple..