I Can Accept Caitlyn Jenner, But Not The Post-Sex Selfie

POst-Sex Selfie

So, you know when you’re laying next to your boyfriend/FWB/random boy whose name you’re pretty sure is Matthew, but it might also be Michael, and you’re all sweaty, and disgusting, with your hair in a disheveled pony-bun, but like, it doesn’t matter, because you already hooked up? And you’re probably just thinking, Damn! That sex was SO good, that I want to remember it forever. I need to document this post-coital moment with a photograph. No? Me neither. But I’m starting to feel like I’m in the minority here. The post-sex selfie is sweeping the nation, and honestly, kids, I’m scared.

In the wise words of Macklemore, a man whose haircut was clearly fashioned after that of Roger Klotz, maybe I’m just another part of America, the brave, fearing what I don’t know. Because I really don’t understand it. I’m no stranger to a good, ole selfie. Nor am I a stranger to sex. But throw them together, and you’ve got quite the task on your hands. I’m not sure my duck face can compensate for the tangled hair, smeared eyeliner, sweaty glisten, and — not to mention — complete nudity that are likely working against this being a good photograph.

Logistically speaking, I’m not even sure I understand the exact timing of it all. Where does the selfie fit into the after sex routine? Does he go clean up first? Do you go brush your teeth? Has the condom even made it into the trash? How post sex is this post-sex selfie? Furthermore, how do you get this person whose dick was just inside of you on board with this? “Excuse me, my good man, would you mind if we took a series of photos that give the illusion of coyness, while still making it clear that we just fornicated, until we take one that’s cute enough to make my ex-boyfriend jealous on social media? This will take several tries because I need to make sure I have cleavage, but no nip slip, and one or fewer chins, which is near impossible while laying down. Thanks so much! Kiss emoji!”

And then for the caption? How in the hell do you say “Just had sex with this one. #PostSexSelfie #DickTooBomb” without making your father regret that soccer game he missed in second grade? The subtle “Nothing better than spending the day in bed with this guy,” despite what you may think, does not really scream “nap” when you’re naked next to some dude. Maybe just add humor to the situation with an inspirational quote? “Never give up. Great things take time.” I mean who doesn’t appreciate a quote that will simultaneously inspire your brother to ace his math test, and serve as an accurate description of a woman’s journey to orgasm.

Simply put I do not understand the post sex selfie craze and I probably never will. It seems like an awful lot of work for something that is just asking for an awkward conversation at Thanksgiving dinner. So, call me old-fashioned, or closed-minded, or prude, but I’ll just stick to my post sex kicking the guy out of bed and taking a nap for now.

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