I Always Friend Zone Guys And I Don’t Feel Bad

friend zone

Not to toot my own horn, but I’m a relatively pretty, sort of funny, intelligent young woman, so there a number of dudes who are clamoring for the chance to be my flavor of the month. I know, I’m the worst, right? I have this kind of unfortunate tendency to meet the guys who want to get into my pants, be impressed by their attraction to me, and fall into a deep, unwavering infatuation. I learn everything I can about them, begin to see them as more than penises attached to muscles, and learn to appreciate them. I work my ass off to earn their affection by being charming, funny, hardworking, intelligent and flirting with them incessantly. And once I have them?

I shove them deep into the recesses of the friend zone and refuse to look back. And I don’t feel the slightest bit bad about it.

Why should I? I enjoy the chase. The early stages of a relationship are, without a doubt, the best parts of a relationship. When you’re still ordering a salad to look lady-like, forcing every sister to critic your outfit and aren’t sure if being a booty call three night is a row is a commitment or just slutty — this is the stage of the relationship that I like.

I’m just not super into dating. My idea of a perfect relationship is finding a guy to hold my attention, chasing him like a wild animal sleeping with him until I get bored, which can range from a month to half a year, depending on how his dick game is, and then ending it. I also like to have him drunkenly call me a few times after to tell me I’m the best thing he ever had, and then slowly fade out of my life.

To me, the rest of the relationship is kind of boring. Where is the fun of having someone committed to you? So you can take pics for the ‘gram and don’t have to worry about accidentally sleeping with a GDI? Big whoop! I’m a healthy, attractive, red-blooded American woman, and I don’t want to waste my peak sexual years receiving subpar oral from the same guy every week just because he is my boyfriend.

And maybe it is wrong to flirt with my male friends. Some of them and I are simply never going to happen. I probably shouldn’t allow them to take me to dinner, nor should I call them to drive me home after a night of too much drinking. Should I let them know that holding back my hair while I vomit does not equal one free glance at my goodies? Probably. But I won’t.

Because those guys, who are stuck in the friend zone, are the ones who actually have a chance of “getting me.” The guys I date my way through are just guys to date. They can hold my attention for a little bit, but once the physical stuff fizzles out, I’m out of there faster than your shitty roommate when you ask who ate your leftovers.

The guys who I put into the friend zone are guys who I actually care about. The people that they are make them worthy of being more than a just a quick lay. I’m not going to stop friend zoning guys because when I’m ready to have a relationship one day, I know a plethora of men who would make amazing boyfriends. It’s basically like being the Bachelorette, but with less emotionally unstable strangers and more people you actually like.

Plus, why would I purposefully stop something that provides me with free dinners, gifts and rides home without having to ever put my mouth on a penis?

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Everything you want in a sister, sorority or biological - funny, hardworking, pretty but not in an super obvious way. Essentially, a funnier Elle Woods who is constantly having a bad hair day. Questions, concerns, videos of dogs and coupons for Thai food can be sent to

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