iRecently, I found myself in a traumatic situation. It wasn’t a drunken escapade, an emotional shopping spree, or even a pregnancy scare. No, it was much, much worse. I was innocently sitting at home, binge watching my latest Netflix addiction, when an unassuming little notification popped up on my phone. Naively, I clicked on it, only to be met by the surprise of a lifetime. One of my closest friends had typed the unholiest of words: “I have a boyfriend.”
I quickly congratulated her and demanded to know the details of his dick and personality. I had known she’d been talking to a guy, but isn’t she always? For the sake of our friendship, I bit my tongue and sent aggressively excited texts while passive aggressively stalking him on Facebook. While girl code dictates I be happy for her, on the inside, I was in turmoil, because I knew what would happen. This boy was going to steal my role as numero uno in my best friend’s life, and I could not just sit back and fall to second place. So I had to compete, and I had to win.
The key here is stealth. If you go overboard and buy her a diamond ring or a puppy for no apparent reason, she’ll definitely get an idea of what you’re trying to do and she also may file a restraining order. But if you are subtle, like giving her a cute card and maybe a small Starbuck’s gift card on the pretense of thanking her for saving your drunk ass, then you can slowly gain her loyalty. Before you know it, you can buy her a house and she won’t even bat an eye.
Perhaps the biggest advantage you hold over your competition is your ability to understand female emotion, a skill which boys completely lack. Use this weapon to your advantage. If she is upset, be over-empathetic to make her boyfriend look like the heartless rock he is. Now, because this is total war, I also suggest slipping comments to make her think about her true allegiances. I mean, how could he possibly forget that it was their five-month, five-day, or five-hour anniversary?
A major perk of having a boyfriend is that you can easily coerce him into taking cute photos with you. Pumpkin patch? Formal? Thanksgiving dinner? All prime real estate for couples. And while you can’t literally take his place in her couple pictures, you can assert your presence on her Instagram profile. Investing in a colored wall is a great way to lure her to your house, and cooking perfect dinners sets you up for success. You could also consider getting a puppy, matching shirts with bitchy sayings, or purchasing an exorbitant amount of doughnuts for you guys to snap cute pictures with.
Buy Her Strippers
I’m just going to cut to the chase with this one. The only thing better about having a boyfriend than the cute photos is the consistently available sex. The easiest way to snap your bestie out of her daze is by sending male strippers to her house or dorm. You have to catch her by surprise, so you can’t tell her your plans. Once she sees the other sexy fish in the sea, she’ll dump her boyfriend and you’ll be in the clear.
Do I want them to break up? Well, I never said that. I just want my drinking buddy, my personal stylist, and my partner in crime back. He just happens to be collateral damage in my crusade. He may win a few battles, but I will win the war. Or I guess I could just get my own boyfriend. .