Dirty talk is hard. It’s really hard. Yeah, baby, let me tell you how hard it is. God, it’s enough to give me heart palpitations just thinking about it. I’m not sure who decided that murmuring nasty things was a turn-on, but thanks to Fifty Shades, the trend isn’t going to wear off anytime soon. Or ever, for that matter. So, if the idea of saying naughty things makes your insides clam up and your palms get sweaty, I’m here to help. I’m no pro, but I have seen the unedited scenes from The Notebook a few times, so I feel like I sort of know what I’m talking about.
For The Beginners
Describe What You See
Humans are visual creatures. We’ve created apps and websites for the sole purpose of staring at each other’s stupid faces, and we spend most of our time scrolling through each other’s lives. It’s no secret why porn is so huge — we like looking at other people and other people getting it on. When you think of it like that, dirty talk is extremely simple. The simplest way to do it is to just describe what you see. Talk about how great his abs look. Tell him his hard, throbbing…muscles, appear huge. Say his fucking hair looks sexy pushed back. Just start shouting descriptions and eventually it’ll become second nature.
Narrate What’s Happening
Even easier than describing what you see, talking about what’s happening is the laziest and most effective form of dirty talk. Is he kissing your neck? Say, “It’s so hot when you kiss my neck.” Is he pulling your hair? “Oh, yeah. Pull it, baby.” Is he jackrabbiting you like there’s no tomorrow? “That’s right. Keep pounding my vagina like it’s a piece of meat. There’s a zero percent chance I’ll have nerve endings down there after this.” Right? So hot.
For The Advanced
Say What You Want
Now is when things get a little more advance. You’ve described everything you can, including all of the “art” on the wall and the smell of the room (a mixture of sweat, boy, and Fresh Cut Pine Febreze Plugin), and you’ve narrated every move to the point that you’re considering turning your work into a steamy audiobook. But you need something new. Now is when you have to use a little imagination. Tell him/her what you *want* them to do. Want to do a different position? Speak up. Feel like it’s been awhile since you’ve gotten some oral? Give ’em a ticket to go downtown. Few times can you tell someone what to do and they’ll think it’s hot and not annoying. Now is one of those times. Don’t let it pass you by.
Say What He/She Likes
There’s nothing that makes a part of my soul die quite like a guy saying, “you like that?” in bed. It makes my insides squirm and is a total conversation ender. The only thing you can say is “yes,” and I like to have a few more options in my dialogue. When I asked a whole bunch of guys, however, they all said that a girl muttering, “you like it when I (insert action) your (insert penis slang),” is enough to drive them wild. Guys are simple. They like football, beer, and blow jobs. Just talk about his favorite player mix-sex and you’ll be crowned MVP of DT.
Confess Your Fantasies
The fantasy where you invite another person to join you in bed. The fantasy where you get it on in a classroom on campus. How about the one with the hot, young professor? Most of us have a wild scenario our minds play out when things get dull. Instead of just keeping it to yourself, talk about it. Be graphic and share all of the little details that make you get quivery inside. Worst case, he’ll get just as turned on hearing you talk about it. Best case? He’ll help make the fantasy become reality. Because let’s be real, most guys would absolutely haaaaaate to have a threesome.
For The Helpless
Just Say Random Body Parts And Actions
When it all cums down to it (sorry, sorry), dirty talk is just a combination of body parts and actions. If you’re really flailing and have no idea what to say, just think of it like a naughty Mad Libs. It doesn’t even matter what you say as long as you do it in a sexy voice. “I like it when you scratch my knee, daddy (please don’t call him daddy).” “Oh, baby. An elbow to the face sure does get me going.” “I love the fact that your semi-toned arms can lift me, even after I eat more than half of the large pizza we ordered.” See? Is it getting steamy in here or is it just you?
Do It All Over Text And Just Pretend You Have Bronchitis And Can’t Talk
It’s easier to say things virtually than irl. It’s the reason we’re all fine with sending passive-aggressive texts to our roommates and filthy sexts to the guys we wish were our boyfriends. It easier to say shit when you’re not looking them in the eyes and letting the crude syllables leave your lips. If you can’t bring yourself to audibly say it, do the next best thing: Lie and say you’re sick or have a severe medical condition and insist that the only way to talk is by typing everything out. Works like a charm.
And if all else fails, just say the two dirty words you remember from that time you studied abroad. After murmuring “baise-moi” over and over again, he’s bound to get the hint..
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