They say beauty is pain, and it is true that there is no pain quite like taking 300 selfies to look through them all and reconsider ever showing your face in public again. Selfies are not as #flawless as they seem. A lot of time, effort, and Facetuning goes into creating the perfect seflie. I know it can be tough, guys, so I’m here to give you a few pointers to boost your self confidence as well as your follower count.
Lighting. Is. Everything. It took me many years to discover the power of good lighting. It can make or break your face. Literally. The best lighting is natural light. Let me introduce myself, the queen of the car selfie. Cars are the perfect place to take your selfie because there is natural light coming through the windows and you can be incognito. Because the only thing more embarrassing than taking an ugly selfie is someone seeing you trying your hardest to push your boobs together and get the perfect smize, because no one actually knows how to “smile with their eyes.” If you want to have natural light with you anywhere you go? Buy a LuMee case. You can also stand in front of your opened refrigerator. Whichever you prefer.
It’s underrated and not discussed nearly enough, but mood music does wonders for your selfie. If you are going out for a night out with your girls, pump some music that makes you feel like you could have any man who breathes in your direction. My personal recommendation would be “Freakum Dress” or “Shout Out To My Ex.” These songs inflate your ego, which is something you need when you are wanting other people to stroke your social media ego. If you are looking for something a little more subtle, cute even, I would recommend some Ed Sheeran. Whatever puts you in the cute mood. I don’t know how to be cute, because it’s my life goal to be hot at all times.
Know your angles. If you have seven chins, invest in a selfie stick. Move your chin down, and pick a way to tilt it up. I personally tilt towards the left, because my pores are a lot smaller on the left side of my face than the right. But even if you do have big crater pores like myself, you can download an app that can smooth that shit out. Having your face looking like a baby’s ass. But, I know you know this already. Duh. It’s written in the Constitution or something, I’m sure.
Captions. Are. Also. Everything. Enough with the inspirational selfie quotes. It’s tacky and out of style and makes you look soft and annoying. Also, never mention anything about pizza. Ever. It’s overdone and only crazy girls talk about pizza anymore. Try to think of something witty, punny, or completely unexplainable. Worst case scenario, pick an emoji. And just go with it.
It’s science. I’ve done many experiments testing out the perfect time to post a selfie. My studies have concluded that at night is the best time to post. Don’t post a selfie in the morning. No one is awake and alive enough to actually know what they are looking at. If it’s a week night, try 7 pm. If it’s a weekend, the time of night does not matter. My most popular Instagram was posted at 10 pm on a Friday night because people are either bored and depressed that they don’t have friends to go out with, or they themselves are posting about how much fun they are having during their night out. Because are you really having fun if you don’t post a picture proving just how much fun you are having? Case closed.
It may seem like pretty standard Instagram knowledge, but I know a lot of people around the world really struggle with the issue of not being capable of taking a good selfie. Hopefully we can start a revolution, that with these tips, no one will have to deal with not being able to take a good selfie, and crippling self doubt. These tips will get you there, but they won’t get you to the top. If I reveal all my secrets, you’ll look better than me. And we just can’t have that..