We all do it. Sometimes, we destroy the evidence. Other times, we shamelessly flaunt it. We try to avoid it, but after a bad day or one too many vodka crans, we give in. Some of us are ashamed. Others are proud. Either way, it’s an epidemic that has taken the nation–if not the world–by storm.
I’m talking, of course, about the selfie.
In case you have been living in Justin Bieber’s vagina, the Oxford Dictionary defines “selfie” as:
• A photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website
In recent times, the selfie has become a way for young women everywhere to get attention without ever having to leave their bathrooms (note: it is slightly sexier when the toilet isn’t visible in the picture). We work angle after angle, boob adjust after boob adjust, to get that perfect, “I totally didn’t even try to look cute today but I casually look flawless and sexual at the same time, and no, I didn’t put a filter on it–I’m just naturally that tan” look.
We hate on it, but we do it ALL THE DAMN TIME. It’s an instant ego boost. In essence, we are basically telling everyone, “Hey I’m super hot. Tell me how hot I am.”
Actually, that’s exactly what we are doing.
We post it on as many media outlets as socially acceptable (and then a few more) and wait to rake in the likes, double taps, and the oh so famous, “OMGGGGG UR SO PRETTY I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH” comments.
Step One: Turn On Camera
This step is where we physically decide, despite all of the knowledge we possess that makes us know it’s dumb, we are going to partake in the act of selfie taking. We have identified our main reason to selfie–as in, we want guys (and girls we secretly hate) to tell us we are pretty and hot. We have given into the siren call of easy to receive praise.
Tip: Try to avoid looking at the screen at this moment, because your ego will tank due to the excess of chins, bad lighting, and the general appearance of a pre-pubescent German boy.
Step Two: Check Lighting, Fix Angles
This step is where you turn off just enough lights to make the fact that you’ve been on a cheeseburger diet for a month disappear, and that your completely padded, pushed up boobs have jaw dropping shadows that makes it seem like you actually have a chest (thanks again, Victoria). This step is crucial because you have to decide the theme of the selfie. Will it be sultry? Pretend hipster (you know, like when you throw on that flower headband and put a Beatles caption on it)? Or just downright slutty?
Tip: Make sure you have the proper cleavage to everything else ratio. So basically, all cleavage. Unless you want people to actually like you for your personality and talents, you need to look totally hot on Instagram. The best way to do that is to push those puppies out.
Step Three: Dress Down, But Make Sure Your Makeup Is Flawless
This step is crucial. Some girls look naturally gorgeous (those bitches). But for the rest of us, we have to literally paint beauty on ourselves. Go heavy on the eyeliner and lipstick, because nothing says “I will literally do anything for attention” like a heavily made up selfie. This step is also where you throw on the XXS V-neck you had in middle school that you can’t breathe in but it makes your boobs seem a thousand times larger than they really are.
Tip: If you want to post something really original, take a picture of yourself in a swimsuit (from your extremely padded top, down) sitting in a chair at the pool or beach. It totally says you are modest and unique.
Step Four: Arm Placement Is A Girl’s Best Friend
This step is fantastic because you realize all the cool things you can do with your arms! You can cover your mouth and act like your laughing at an imaginary joke, because you’re funny and have a great sense of humor. Or, you can do the classic “finger-biting” pose. Everyone will look at the picture and sort of hate you because they wish they had thought of something super cool to do with their arms, too.
Tip: The more you cover your face with your hands, the less people see of your face. Therefore, they don’t hate you as much for putting a selfie of your face on their timeline.
Step Five: If You Like It Then You Gotta Put A #Hashtag On It
#this #step #is #the #most #important. All of your hard work counts on the amount of people who like your picture. Hashtag as many things as you can think of. Who cares if you run out of space because you hashtagged your eyes, skin, teeth, location, mood, feeling, meal, song lyrics, and your skill set? People will see how well-rounded and creative you are!
Tip: Always, always, always #nofilter, because we all know it’s a lie anyway.