How To Properly Work Out

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There has been some discussion lately regarding whether it is good or bad to meet a guy at the gym. Well, I think we can all admit we’ve either done it or at least watched it happen. This article is dedicated to all the hours I spent on the treadmill as a hot sweaty mess watching the game of cat and gym rat (I mean, mouse) ensue out on the gym floor. To all of us girls who like to think we’re doing a “real” workout while watching guys go after Barbie on the elliptical: you have to admit it is fun to watch, even if you are a little jealous. To all of you girls strutting your stuff: if it’s working for you, why stop?

From my experiences, here is a guide I’ve crafted on how to do the TSM workout, complete with music recommendations.

Stretch: “Gorilla” By Bruno Mars
In high school, you were either on the cheer squad, took dance lessons, or played sports just so you could show off your ass in some really tight spandex. Now that you have more limited venues, you must visit the gym every day at its busiest hour in order to show everyone just how hot you are. I mean, how are all the cute baseball players going to learn about your limber legs during econ? They’re not. So when you arrive at the gym ready to perform a workout as if you were Kate Upton at a photo shoot, you need something to really turn up the heat. This is exactly why you need Bruno Mars. As soon as you turn on this take-my-pants-off-now vocal masterpiece, your sexy eyes will lock with whomever you desire as you drop straight into a full out split.

Warm Up: “Moves Like Jagger” By Maroon 5 
Now that you have everyone’s attention, it’s time to show them how all those hours with your personal trainer have paid off. You need a song that will pump you up but also keep you focused on generating those pheromones. Agilities are the perfect way to show the football team you got the moves like Jagger. Bonus points if you are wearing a hot pink sports bra under that pinnie!

Treadmill: Any Songs By Cascada Or Rihanna 
Alright, now you’re in your element. A necessary evil, the treadmill is both loved and hated by every sorority girl. Make sure you’ve picked a machine near the barbells–that’s where you’ll find most of the frat stars and ambitious freshmen. You could run at a slow pace for a while just to get in your daily cardio, but when you really want to impress, go for intervals. The high beats per minute of any Cascada or Rihanna song will get you through those tough last few seconds of each fast interval. This is just enough exercise to run off the calories (you won’t be eating) and burn off the fat (that doesn’t exist) while giving you a glistening complexion.

Weight Lifting: “’Til I Collapse” And “Lose Yourself” By Eminem 
Okay, now it’s time to play tough girl. To make sure you’re in tip-top shape for those drop-it-low moves you’ll make this weekend, you better stick to the leg machines. After your target man is done with the leg press, walk over to the same machine. Make sure he’s looking when you bend over to change the weight from his beefcake poundage to something normal human beings can actually manage. Eminem will totally get you pounding out the reps and showing off your definition. You didn’t triple-jump on your high school track team for nothing! For abs, definitely go for the exercise ball. Gets ’em every time. (“Booty had me like…!?!?!!!”) Lastly, dive right into the pool of men at the barbells, give a cute little “excuse me,” and smile as you walk over to do some major reps with those 10 pounders in front of the mirror. (Note: 5 pound weights make you look weak, even for a girl.) This is also a good time to “check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Did you sweat too much on the tready? Is your mascara running? Is your shirt out of place? You can take a quick trip to the bathroom before you leave to make sure you look as perfect as when you arrived.

When you’re done, at least a few guys will not-so-coincidentally finish, too. If you’re interested, make sure you leave enough time for small talk in the lobby. If not, get the hell out of there before they track you down like a hungry pack of wolves.

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premed donna

Who said you can't be smart and funny? When I'm not writing for TSM, you can find me studying into oblivion, downing a bottle of chardonnay, and/or sobbing for reasons I have yet to understand. All hate fan mail can be sent to

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