Most of us enjoy reality television shows like “The Bachelor” and its many spinoffs the way we enjoy any spectator sport that we would never in a million years actually participate in, like bull fighting or hillbilly hand-fishing. Yet season after painful season, there are more than enough young women out there who think to themselves, “Gee, I’m sure I could find love if I competed for the affections of someone I’ve never met in a contrived, unnatural environment!” I get it, it’s hard out there for single gals, and as we get older, the dating pool dwindles. So these women really believe that if they’ve struck out in the love game by the ripe old age of 25, their best chance of finding a man is to compete for one on a dating show. All of these reality show contestants claim that they’re doing the show because they’re fed up with “traditional” ways of meeting men, and that they just want to find love. Naturally, their best option is to be restricted to a small location with a stagnant group of people they may or may not hate, most of whom are in competition for the affection of one person. #Logic.
If you find yourself so incapable of meeting men that you’re willing to compete for the kind of guy who can just casually leave his family, friends, job, or even possible children to go frolic on a remote island for a long amount of time–who also has no qualms letting cameras into every personal crevice of his life–then I implore you, for the sake of our future daughters and gay sons, try out a few of these tactics first.
- Make milkshake, place milkshake in yard.
- Put on a flattering dress and proceed to the nearest bar.
- Download Tinder, only swipe right to men who you had an immediate “10/10 would bang AND take home to meet my parents” reaction.
- Walk a dog, any dog, down the street. This should be done with the permission of the dog’s owner.
- Steal the dog and hope for a hot male cop when you get caught walking a stolen dog down the street in an attempt to troll for men.
- Volunteer at a hospital (hello, Dr. McDreamy).
- Get a job at a law firm (hello, Harvey Spector).
- Go to medical school.
- Go to law school.
- Actually verbally greet the man who has been silently checking you out in line at Starbucks instead of playing that weird, adult version of peek-a-boo until one of you leaves.
- Join a gym and do something other than the elliptical and dance aerobics classes.
- Be a friendly person who isn’t afraid to start a conversation.
- Don’t be an attention-mongering, wannabe actress whose greatest achievement in life is being second runner up at the Miss My Dress Costs More Than The “Scholarship” I’m Trying To Win pageant.
There you have it, ladies. You’re welcome. When you meet the man of your dreams, get married, and have babies, I only ask that you name one after me.