How To Make The Perfect Finstagram


I will be the first person to admit that I am a grandma. I go to bed obscenely early, I don’t follow pop culture, and my social media accounts are of questionable character. However, I am relatively self-absorbed, which means that despite my obliviousness to the 21st century, I still dabble in the occasional (read: weekly) Instagram post. While bitching the other day about how I get the worst drunk face, my friend casually inserted that I should get a fake Instagram (or “Finsta,” as the cool kids say) for my less-than-beautiful photos. Me, having the mentality of a drunk elderly woman, was confused by this novelty. Luckily, I have done extensive research into the matter, and have decided upon the anatomy of the perfect Finsta.

The Handle
Every Finsta handle I have seen thus far has been some sort of pun, which sets the standards pretty damn high. Rhyming, song lyrics, and pop culture references are encouraged. If you are at a complete loss for what to name your new account, or you are blessed with a unique name, you can always use the classic @thefake(insertnamehere). Just know that everyone will be judging you for it. Oh, wait. You have a fake Instagram account. They are probably judging you anyway.

The Bio
Because most Finstas are private, the bio is a crucial aspect of the account. The goal here is to let people know that it’s not your real Instagram, but that you are so inherently ~cool~ that you can actually have a second, fake Instagram account. Misspelled words, puns, and weird emojis seem to be the go-to, but bonus points if you manage to sneak in a quote from The Office.

Filters and Captions
My favorite aspect about Instagram is my ability to make my pale ass look like I just spent a week in Florida, all thanks to a casual filter or two/ten. But in the world of Finstas, filters don’t exist. Remember, this is all about your true self! So what if you have drunk eyes, a greasy forehead, and a food baby the size of New Jersey? And let’s not forget about the captions. In case anyone forgets that you just love Leslie Knope, let’s remind them by throwing a slight misquote from Parks and Recreation to caption the photo of your late night Taco Bell binge.

Actual Content and Overall Aesthetic
In case you haven’t gleaned this yet, the overall content has one focus: you. A Finsta is the place to show everyone how carefree, fun, and crazy you can be! You don’t care what anyone else thinks about you. Which is why you have a private, separate Instagram account dedicated solely to bad photos of yourself.

Perhaps the cardinal rule of Finstagrams is this: only your close, proven friends are granted access to this treasure trove of terrible photos. Who else can you trust with the privilege of seeing your true, day-to-day life? I mean, definitely not your thousands of real Instagram followers. To really make them prove their loyalty and to prevent any unwanted screenshots, I suggest having them sign their name in blood.

Now that you are armed with the tools you need to make the perfect Finstagram, go forth and begin to annoy everyone you know with your obnoxious account. I’m so glad that there is now a way for us to broadcast embarrassing photos of ourselves to all of our friends, so that they can all realize how authentic we are. You know, besides Snapchat.

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PSLsandPearls has been shotgunning lattes and looking good since the mid 1990's. In her free time, she cuddles with any animal she can find and incessantly bitches about how busy she is. You can email her at (note the single PSL).

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