I snapchatted a boy the other day. I made sure that the lighting was natural and beautiful, my hair looked like Beyonce’s, and my eyebrows were on fleek. In that five second window of time, I looked like I had my shit together. What this boy didn’t see was the stained XL t-shirt and tattered leggings I was sporting from my lofted bed.
But like most college girls, I live in a make-believe world. I play dress up on a weekly basis to go to play dates that just happen to be at frat houses. When I leave this pretend world, I continue to perpetuate the fantasy that I have my life together. Every class period, meeting, and holiday I put on a performance to convince outsiders that I do in fact have my life together. I act like I know where I’m going in life the same way Kim Kardashian acts likes a sex tape didn’t launch her career.
I’ve got this facade down to a science. There are five very simple things I do brainwash the average person into thinking I have my life together, and you can do them too.
1. I own a planner.
It’s a very cute, but basic planner. I use it occasionally, but that’s not the important part. When I whip my planner out in class or at a meeting, I do it with the confidence of a CEO at a fortune 500 company. Am I organized? No, but now the entire room thinks I am. If you are feeling really ballsy, write in three different colored pens. Color code that mess of a social life. The pretty colors distract from the fact that you are totally not going to open it again until you are in the presence of others.
2. My nails look good.
Nothing makes a woman look more on point than when her nails are pretty and trimmed well. Chipped nails are a dead giveaway that your life is in shambles. This is tricky because it’s nearly impossible to do if you don’t actually have your life together. If you don’t want to drop a paycheck a month on salon gelled nails, just keep them bare. Paint them for special occasions like date functions, and then remove the polish once you get over that hangover. This will keep them looking clean, and give you one less thing to worry about.
3. I use dry shampoo.
Dry shampoo is a wash and blow out in a can and the greatest thing to happen to women since the Hemsworth brothers. That monogrammed baseball cap isn’t fooling anyone. If you want to really sell this sham, your hair needs to look like you care about your personal hygiene. Spray it down, shake it out, and go conquer the world.
4. Lipstick and mascara.
A full face of makeup every day is inhuman. A nice coat of mascara and a sweet shade of lipstick are noticeable for people to realize that you have put effort into your appearance. It highlights what my mother and Seventeen magazine call your “natural beauty.” In less PC terms, it makes you look like you have a pulse, and that you woke up in your own bed last night.
5. I have a vague understanding of current events.
This is the cherry on the fake cake. If you can have a thirty-second conversation about the news or politics, it looks like you have time to keep up with more than the Kardashians. Knowing even basic political or current events screams “class act.” This doesn’t mean that you have to read the news every day. For those of us pretending to have our lives together, we make sure we have one friend who can explain who Bernie Sanders is in a text. Bonus points if you take the time to read an email for companies like theSkimm who make news entertaining and understandable.
While I may have just given my secrets away to the entire world, I did it for the greater good. We can’t all be Emma Watson, but at least now we can pretend. .