How To Make Casual Sex Work

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When you hear the term “casual sex” most of you probably roll your eyes, thinking back on your fifteen failed attempts at just that type of relationship. Generally, the same thing happens each time. You meet a cute guy at the bar, drink a little too much, and then just like that, you’re waking up in a shack shirt, one sock, and smudged mascara. You feel like a train wreck and look worse than Lindsay’s sixth mugshot. Somehow, though, you feel empowered. You are the queen of all things shack, and you can’t help but let your lips curl into a little smile. You successfully got a boy to buy you six (maybe ten, but who’s counting?) vodka sodas, penetrate you, and give you his clothing. He remains completely irrelevant to you, just the way you like him.

Fast forward four days to the “Hey what’s up?” text from a number you saved in your phone under “Hunkk1 with eyeS.” You text back both for the ego boost, and so you can go back for seconds. You’ve never been more thrilled. You have a consistent hookup, and you don’t give a hoot about him…until three months down the row and about a dozen packs of Trojans later, when he doesn’t respond to your “What’re you up to?” 3am message. Suddenly you realize that you had come to love his corny jokes and his slight beer belly. Worst of all, you come to realize that you are in love with this boy.

Well, now what? I’ll be honest, you’re screwed. The occasional sex was fun for the both of you until you started subconsciously calling him your lover and befriending his mother. He freaked the heck out and dropped you faster than Anthony Weiner could drop another dick pic, leaving you in the dark black hole that is your tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Three years later you’re finally over the heartbreak and on the prowl for a hot new piece of arm candy that you only have to pretend to like behind closed doors. And here’s how you make it work.

1. Don’t go home with him the first time you meet him.
If you’re in this thing for the long(ish) run, you can’t start off with a homerun. He’ll probably go get tested the next day thinking his dick might fall off from the 32 STDs you so proudly tricked his drunk ass into thinking were a good thing. Make it obvious you’re just in it for the hookup, but don’t throw yourself at him just yet.

2. Be very clear that you don’t want a relationship.
Seal the deal by saying, “I guess the only reason I don’t want to sleep with you is that I don’t want to lead you on.” This lets him know what your motivation is without making him think you’re going for the ring. When he says, “Dude, I don’t want a relationship either,” then DING DING DING. You’ve found a winner. I’d say congratulations, but this required no hard work on your end because it’s an endless sea of commitment-phobic men out there. You’ve just offered to be his non-commital life preserver.

3. Blackout drink every time you guys are together.
Then you don’t have to worry about actually conversing. Love sober sex? Well, that’s what the morning is for. To quote the great Samantha Jones: “Friends are for talking. Men are for fucking.”

4. When you do blackout, pray to God you don’t open up about your entire life.
Trust me, he cares about your daddy issues about as much as you care about his nipple insecurities.

5. Don’t use the word “babe” or any other term of endearment.
That’s just got trouble written all over it. Accidentally called him your husband? Try playing it off as a joke and wait to cry about it in your diary later. He’s nothing to you. Don’t convince either of you otherwise.

6. Avoid introducing him to your friends.
Once you realize he exists outside of your bedroom, he becomes real. He’s not a real person. He’s a penis with a body attached to it. If your friends don’t know him, you won’t talk about him or think about him when you’re with them. Sure you can tell them about a steamy night, but once they get to know him, things get a little too personal. Think they might judge you for bragging about this raunchy relationship while keeping them in the dark? They can leave their judgment at the front door along with their dusty vaginas.

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Topanga is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. Texas forever.

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