Remember how Andie Anderson was supposed to take one for the team, date a guy, screw it up, and then teach us all what not to do in relationships? Yeah, well, then she met Benjamin Barry, fell in love, rode off into the sunset on his motorcycle, and wrote some sappy article about how much she loved him. Cool. She got to kiss Matthew McConaughey and we all learned that if you act like a royal psycho, you, too, get to kiss Matthew McConaughey. Except that’s not how it works. If you act like a real fucking nutcase, he will leave you. He won’t agree to therapy after three days. He won’t think it’s cute if you call his mother after only a week. And he won’t invite you home to keep you from breaking up with him. That’s not real. Don’t be crazy. Don’t do these things. If you do, he will leave you.
1. Invite your boyfriend to your next gynecological appointment. Tell him that it will prepare him for future OBGYN visits.
2. Call him seventeen times in the span of seventeen minutes. Leave one or two crying voicemails. When he calls you back asking what the emergency is, accuse him of cheating on you. Faithful men answer their phones. Cheating men don’t.
3. Tell him you really sympathize with Lorena Bobbitt.
4. Buy a baby doll and carry it around with you as if it were your real child. Tell him if he ever leaves you, you’ll sue him for child support.
5. Refer to your stomach as a “baby vessel.”
6. Show him a picture of your ideal engagement ring on the first date. Insist that he write down your ring size.
7. Find out the password to his Facebook account and then change his relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship.”
8. Snoop through his old yearbooks and ask who the fuck Sally is and why she signed his third grade yearbook with “luv ya.”
9. Add pre-natal vitamins to his grocery list.
10. Inform him that you’d like to put on fifteen to twenty pounds in order to be warmer for the winter months.
11. Put a pillow underneath your t-shirt and say that you’re “just practicing.”
12. Tell him that you plan on working before you have children, but “my money is my money and your money is our money.”
13. Refer to him as “daddy.”
14. Compare and contrast him to your former partners. Go into detail.
15. Ask him when he plans on becoming rich.
16. Cry over spilled milk. Literally. Spill milk and then cry about it.
17. Tell him you want to be Taylor Swift when you grow up.
18. Only watch TV shows where crazy women kill their husbands. Tell him you just want to be prepared in case he steps out of line.
19. Ask him to be your date to a wedding. Wear a white dress and tell him you’re just “practicing.”
20. Have his mother on speed dial. Drunk dial her frequently.
21. Tell him you want to grow old with him and watch him die.
22. Accompany him to all of his doctor’s appointments. Ask the doctor super personal questions about him.
23. Tell him that you really wouldn’t mind if you got pregnant right now.
24. Randomly refer to him as your fiancé.
25. Buy him Rogaine even if he doesn’t need it and ask him if he’s ever thought about hair plugs.
26. Use baby talk in bed.
27. Have in depth conversations with him about your period.
28. Give him a two drink limit when the two of you go out.
29. Tell his friends that you clearly wear the pants in the relationship.
30. Confide in him that you’re manic depressive. And then tell him that you really enjoy going shooting.