1. Stage 5 Clinger
Constantly posting photos of you and the guy you are interested in, talking to, or dating isn’t fooling anyone. There is no reason to over-post pictures of him or with him. You are trying to be obnoxious and I can guarantee he does not appreciate it. Here are the rules for #ManCrushMonday if you really feel it is necessary:
1. Don’t post about your own boyfriend. The entire English-speaking world (including him) knows you have a crush on him.
2. If you #MCM him and you aren’t dating, you will look like a crazy psycho.
Your flashy ways will give him the idea that maybe you don’t have sound intentions. He’ll either think you’re out of your mind or that you’re trying to make someone(s) jealous.
2. Myspace Selfies
Everyone knows when a girl puts up a selfie with her #TOFTB (Google it) she is thirsty for that peen. This is a pretty desperate move. If you want to show a singular guy your boobs, then grow some balls and invite him over to “watch a movie” instead of showing all your followers a sad attempt to make some dude think you’re hot. Or just use the
oldest newest trick in the book: Snapchat.
3. Overdoing Hashtags
We get it. You love hashtags. If you hashtag your picture a bunch of times, boys will judge. This overload of hashtags won’t gain you any followers who are relevant, only huge Instagram creeps or little girls looking for pictures of One Direction. I was scrolling through my timeline and found these real world captions that scared the shit out of me and probably every guy with a pulse:
“#blueeyes #realeyes #lovemyeyes #longhairdontcare #ilovemylife #bored #followme #smile #freshoutoftheshower #girlfriendmaterial #domestic #rawr #keepcalm #instacute #instahot #instasexy”
“#fit #fitgirls #fitfam #fitspo #fitlife #physique #gym #motivation #fitnessfreak #beauty #exercise #physique #aesthetics #photooftheday #fitnessaddict #fitnessmodel”
These are a hard no. Rule of thumb: three hasthag maximum. No exceptions.
4. Inspirational Quotes
This is annoying as shit in the eyes of a male. They don’t care at all about what Audrey Hepburn said 50 years ago. They don’t even know who Audrey Hepburn is. Save the quotes for your Pinterest board. Consider yourself lucky that boys haven’t infiltrated that yet, because if they saw what you pinned onto your “Keep Your Head Up: Inspirational Quotes” board, they would assume you were off your rocker and that you need to take a Xanax.
5. Food Posts
“He can tell I ain’t missing no meals.” – Nicki Minaj. We should all live by this, but most food posts are just unnecessary and uninteresting. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe there is a time and place for food Instas, but there is a fine line for what is an acceptable post and what is not.
Examples for acceptable food posts: very nicely decorated or interesting looking baked goods; a brunch spread that includes more than just boring, beige pancakes, dry eggs, and gray bacon; a holiday dinner on a nicely set table; cool, alcoholic beverages; meals while traveling.
Examples of non-acceptable food posts: mediocre meal prep of something you most likely heated up in the microwave; chain restaurant meals, because they’re not special enough for anyone’s feed; Paleo or whatever diet you are on that hour; something your poured out of a box; anything with a caption insinuating that you need to be wifed up stat.
He does not care what you are cooking, unless it’s a sandwich that you made for him. Even if it was a sandwich for him, there is no way that baby would’ve stayed on the plate long enough for you to snap a picture. And if you got a picture of him eating the sandwich and posted it, you would be breaking the number one rule: obsessive, crazy, over-poster.
6. Birthday Pic Stitches
I love a good birthday Pic Stitch and getting them on my birthday, but if you analyze your ratio, those always get the lowest likes. There is a slim to no chance he actually looked at the 12 pictures you squeezed into Instagram’s square frame. As important as this is to you and your BFF, he just sees this as an annoyance and a reason for you to infiltrate his feed. There is also that risk of him thinking you are a try-hard, so keep those posts to a minimum. If you post one every day, they most certainly lose their sentimental value and people you drunkenly met in the line for the bathroom last night will start expecting a post out of you on their birthdays.
7. Betch Life Posts
Instagraming pictures of designer purses, watches, jewelry, shoes, or whatever else you have or dream of having will only show him that you are a vain, high maintenance diva. I mean we all love pretty things and shiny rings, but this will only send a guy running. We can’t let him know this early on that we have big dollar signs in our eyes and hopes to live the dream of being a
stay at home MILF working mom, living in a castle nice home, wearing only Barneys J.Crew, while driving a Range Rover practical SUV. He is way too preoccupied with wasting spending his money on beer, cigars, frat outings, casino trips, and strippers to care about the Louis Vuitton Lilly Pulitzer bag you posted and captioned with the heart-eyed emoji.
8. Airbrushed Or Photoshopped Pictures
If you do this, he will most likely think you look anorexic on Instagram, but then notice your ass is colossal in real life. This will not be in a sexy Big Sean way, but in a WTF way. That picture perfecting app will cost you more than just $9.99. I know the temptation is real, but call me old-fashioned–there is a lot the right filter can do with no foul play or trickery. Avoid airbrushing and photoshopping at all costs.
9. #TBT And #FBF Pitfalls
When you post that picture from your senior prom, all glammed up in your skin-tight dress that hugs your (pre-college weight) frame so perfectly, he’s not going to notice anything you want him to. The only thing on his mind is how it all went downhill from there. Also, the only person who is interested in looking at pictures of you as a baby is your mother. If he associates you with babies, he will have a panic attack, tell you something like, “things are moving too fast,” and get the hell out. Confusing, I know, but we can only give males so much credit.
10. Poser Sports Fans
If you have never posted a picture about a team or the team your boy likes, he will know you are just trying to impress him. If he knows anything about you, he’s already aware you don’t give two shits about what time kickoff is or who is on the starting lineup. Look at it this way: would he EVER post a picture of the Nordstrom anniversary sale or Kim in her dress before the “KUWTK” Kimye wedding finale? FUCK. NO. So stop trying to be someone you’re not for the purpose of looking cool for a boy. He knows. I get that there are those unicorns out there (girls who legitimately love sports) but they are the least likely candidates to commit this foul.