“What do you want to drink?” your date asks, as you slide onto the barstool next to him.
You glance around the bar, immediately feeling your heart sink. Shiiiit. The absurd amount of taps (really, who needs that many beer choices?) and the unmistakable scent of hops or yeast or grain or whatever it is, means one thing and one thing only — this is a beer garden. Also known as a tap house, a craft bar, or just an annoying place where they don’t really serve anything other than the dirty dishwater that is beer. You’ve officially walked into your personal version of hell, and you have no idea how you’re going to make it out of this.
You feel the sweat start to bead on your forehead as your limited knowledge of beer starts floating around your head. You want an ale. Right? Or a brew? Do you say brewski? No. Fuck. No one says that. Is Bud Light dumb? Are you dumb for not knowing the answer? You try to gulp back your panic and put on your most confident face.
“A uhh, a white wine?” You mutter feeling the judgment surround you.
As the bartender sends a side-eye your way, along with some cheap, disgusting vino, you decide once and for all: you’re going to start liking beer.
When it comes down to it, there are two types of girls in the world. The girls who drink beer and the girls who don’t. And honestly? One isn’t better than the other. “Beer girls” might seem chill and lowkey, but they can also be viewed as trashy and tryhard. Non-beer girls might seem sophisticated and girly, but they can be perceived as high-maintenance and picky. Who cares? Well, you do. And that’s why you’re here.
You have decided to like beer. And I’m going to use my damaged liver, high alcohol tolerance, and years of experience to help you. Consider it my community service for the week, okay standards?
Start With The Little Bitch Stuff
You know the shit I’m talking about. Mike’s Hard. Mike’s HardER. That Red Apple Ale that seems suspiciously like apple juice but somehow has alcohol in it. Any of these fruity, might-be-beer-but-most-likely-aren’t drinks are the perfect foreplay to diving headfirst into the life of a beer drinker. Concentrate on the flavors of fruit, and alternate these almost-beers with something else. Eventually, they’ll start going down easier and easier.
Give The Fruity Stuff A Try
By this, I mean switch over to beer flavored with fruit. Get some raspberry Shocktop. Drink some Blue Moon (you get an orange slice, which helps). Go with a grapefruit beer or anything else that has fruit and/or something delicious that’s not beer in it. This is a step above the Mike’s Hard of the world, so it seems like you’re really trying. Sure, it’s basically the most high-maintenance you can be in the beer world, but you said you would try to like beer, not sell your fucking soul. Tip: order it in a pint glass so no one knows you’re a cheater.
IPA? More Like IP-Nay!
Excuse the cheesy AF line, but I need you to remember this. No matter what you think, no matter what they try to tell you, no matter how they try to convince you, don’t. fall. for. the. IPA. It seems like it’s totally up your alley. Overpriced. Fun names. Always found in hip bars. But despite their inviting color and delicious list of ingredients, these will disappoint you. They’re hoppy and bitter and no matter how hard they try, they will never make you love them. Avoid paying $12 for something gross, and stick with something that doesn’t taste like literal asshole. Thank me later.
Shoot It Back/Chase It
Maybe you did order an IPA (remember: IP-Nay). Maybe the dumb guy you were with insisted that you would love the malty, sludgy liquid you most certainly hate. Maybe you’re just having a hard time with this whole process. Think of it as a shot. Shoot a sip back, chase it with some Diet Coke, and repeat until you’re finished and/or drunk. If you can do it with tequila, you can do it with beer. Promise.
Don’t Be Afraid To Go Light
I know light beer has a bad rap. But so do selfies and the Kardashians and that hasn’t stopped us. Fewer calories and a less strong taste, light beer is an easy way to say “I’m chill and cool, but I also care enough not to slurp down a shitton of empty calories.” Just throw a koozie on it and you’re golden.
Honestly, if all else fails, just make yourself do it. In the same way you force yourself to go to the gym, eat salad, and not text your ex when you’re drunk, you just do it. And after so many times, it becomes a habit. If you’re serious about becoming a beer drinker, don’t give up. With enough determination, perseverance, and willpower, you too can be one of those girls who’s invited to “guy’s events” and considered “cool.” Next step? Shotgunning.
Say goodbye to being the girl with vodka in her water bottle, hello to the queen of kegstands..
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